A brand so powerful, it's not even necessary.

The picture above is stuff  "Thing Three" swishes around in her mouth before spitting it out on floor, wall, mirror and sink.

Does it have a name?  Well, it does but apparently, the product name is not that important.  What IS important are these four things:

A.  The color blue
B.  Spongebob®
C. The words: Anticavity Kids
D. Saving 55 cents

Back in my day, Brands were developed to align a particular product to a particular customer.  For example, "Choosey mothers choose JiF Peanut Butter."  Only careful, fussy and quality-focused moms would buy JiF.

I remember looking up from my plate of burnt meatloaf and randomized place setting (I didn't see a two identical milk glasses until I left for Reform School) and having the epiphany,  "Ahhh!  That's why we buy Skippy peanut butter!  Mom just isn't the choosey type!"

Today?  I guess all that work on product naming, brand development and advertising isn't needed.  People will figure it out on their own.

But I have to say this - if my wife called me up to "...pick up some Blue Spongebob Anticavity Kids with a coupon" I know exactly what she wants.   But if she said, "...pick up some Act*." I'd probably reply, "What's wrong with the act I'got?!"

Anyway, it's summer - time to plan my:

A. Blue
B. William Shatner
C. Fighting
D. Cheap

But the Fam calls it "Vacation."

*I confess.  I peeled the coupon and discovered ACT® Anti-cavity rinse.  But I stuck the coupon back on so no one would confuse it with Windex®.

Sweet JIMMINY!

Gawd, I live in a box.  And I'm so grateful.

Two days ago, sitting in the MSP Westin, my TV-deprived kids found this.

"Daddy?!  Is this why we're home schooled?!"

"Partly."

I'm happy to say, I once was blissfully unaware of "Sweet Genius" from The Food Network.

Now?  I'm scarred for life.  Bald gay guys with undeterminable accents freaked "The Fam" totally out... my 6 year old remains attached to the headliner of our minivan, held against gravity by the clenched grip of her little fingers...

Look.

I don't care if he's bald.

I don't care if he's gay.

I don't care if he can't speak in proper Minnesotan.

What I DO CARE about is the way he dismisses his minions to create "Sweet Genius!" food items via  ridiculous props (a conveyor belt and a big-red button?) and stupifying commands.  "Darkness!"

"You will use...mahshmallooos...und.... bacon fat!  And yo'ah eensparayshun?!  Eet iss... A HAMMER!"

I call BS.  For the past ten years, my wife has been blowing this poor goofball AWAY by making dinner out of stuff like American cheese, used green tea bags, 85% hamburger and saltines.

Her "eensparashun?!"   The fifteen minutes between finished-with-homework and dance-class-and-cub-scouts.

Reality TV sucks.

HyVee Hexagons. Cutting...corners??

The picture above is from HyVee, a regional grocery powerhouse.  It's their house brand of Geometric gobbles - "Crispy Hexagons."

Back in the day, when companies were fat & rich,  "Marketing" and Intellectual Property (IP) attorneys lived large.  Names like Cheerios®, Kix® and Post Toasties® melded mouth and market-share.

Today however, money is tight.  Brand building takes time.  And everyone knows, all the really GOOD names (like music) were minted in the '60s.  Except Boo Berry®.

Anyway, I'm not holding my breath that anyone anywhere is saying, "Ya know what's just as good as Crispix® but fifty cents cheaper?  Hexagons.  The crispy ones..."

Or in my house, "Mah-oOOm, Kelsey ate all the HEXAGONS!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"I hate Hexagons!"

"That's why you're stupid in Math!"

"Mah-oOOM! Paul's being mean!"

Oh - note to Art Director...you used an OCTAGONAL bowl!  Psssh.

I'm sooo looking forward for corporate profits again.

I want my money back, Chevy.

The spot above is from a Chevy campaign.  It's designed to be a take-off of the once-popular show, "The Office."  It's a well produced, well acted, well directed bit of video.

But it sucks as a television commercial for a car company.

Why do ad-people do this crap?  And by "this crap" I mean this kind of oblique creative that has nothing to do with the product or the customer virtues...but instead, placates a Director's "vision"???

Catch a clue - American car companies have been RUN OVER by the Japanese, the Germans, the Koreans...and now FIAT, (Fix It Again Tony) is trying to come back to the U.S. car market.

And why are these OTHER nations' car companies so successful?  Because our car companies SUCK.  So much so that the fat cat 1%'ers had to show up in Washington D.C. a couple years ago and ask for a loan.  From you & me.

And them furriners make better cars, too.

Instead, we get high-concept barf like this - making dealers look ridiculous, not talking about the product and comparing themselves to a show that casts a cynical pal across the typical workplace.

Grrr.

We're not teaching (I mean ad schools, mentors, etcs) the Craft any more.  Instead, I get the impression that the next crop of Ad People are simply frustrated Lucas's who realize they'll never make Star Wars.  Instead, commercials will do.

Ok, Chevy.  Gimme $15K and I'll make you a kick ass commercial.

You're not listening.

And that's why I drive Mazdas, Porsches and Hondas.

"Where we goin' honey?"

The spot above is for Nissan.  They're launching "5 All-New Models."

And they're driving blind.

Yeah, I get the subtleties - Nissan is proud of their new models but can't quite release the details so they build the buzz by showing busy Americans sparked by the promise of New.

"Gary?  I got it!  This is what we do.  We keep our Media up by showing the cars we can't show...draped...by...a cloth!  And we'll show the good Folk seeing them drive by...reassured by the promise of all-things-Nissan!"


"Approved.  Now, getting back to your request for time-off next Tuesday...!"

Except.

If you & me (good Folk that we are) saw a car driving down the block draped in white cloth we'd call 911.  The imaginative among us might shout, "THE DEAD!  THEY DRIVE!"  But for the most part, we'd freak out - not smirk approvingly like the Talent did.

Look.  Driving cars that are wholly draped through neighborhoods is not exactly cheap.  I bet it cost Nissan at least $900 in extra animation time...at least I think so.  Gawd-forbid they did that for real.

But the lame creative tells me two things.  1.  Nissan didn't bring their A-team in on the 5-new-car-Creative.  2.  Nissan didn't ask their legal team the ramifications of showing their cars riding through suburbia cloaked in white sheets.

So.

Did you see the Mazda spot?

Now THAT'S creativity!

Here's how it went down. I just know it.

Account Executive:  Well, their #1 product quality is cleansing skin.

Creative Director:  Well, what's hard to clean off skin?

Account Executive:  Motor oil?

Creative Director:  No...think harder.

Account Executive:  Animal guts?

Creative Director: No, stupid! Atomic radiation!

Account Executive: Why...it's....GEEEN-YUS!

Fast forward five years, deep in the bowels of a Madison Avenue ad agency, a once perky blonde uses her tentacles to sort mail and new-hires are warned, "Don't go down to the basement." 

Is Brawny Mitt Romney? (say it fast! It's fun!)

I didn't ask the question, but once posed, I think you can understand why it became the most compelling  command of the past :15 seconds.

"Is Mitt Romney the Brawny Man!?"

Or, stated in a much more lyrical fashion,

"Is Brawny Mitt Romney?"

Well, as you can see, I tried to find out.  And the result was...a waste of time.  Thank you, Sadvertising reader.  I'll never get those 15 seconds back.

However, if "Is Brawny Mitt Romney?" turns into a campaign slogan, he better pony-up with the cash or else my lawsuit is gonna' leave Mitt's bank account a bit SCRAWNY.

Anyway, this all brings up an interesting point -  "What happened to the other Brawny guys?!"

Well, I bet Left Brawny's still there, workin' on the Camaro, helpin' Karen at the grocery store once'n'awhile...

Right Brawny, on the other hand, prolly left the forest to open up that "fun dance club with a Tapas Bar and a Ricky Martin lookalike contest!" that Left Brawny was always a little creeped out about hearing.

"Look dude.  I don't own any cutoffs and I'm not going to make any cutoffs cuz I'm not going to wear any cutoffs.  Now just shut up and cut wood!"

The Google has spoken - let the Hoarding begin!

The article above is from the Chicago Trib - it announces Mars (Candy Bars) intent to discontinue their king-size bars and replace them with smaller ones maxed at 250calories.   Ostensibly, it's part of Mars' "commitment to health."  

More likely, it's a fear of rising ingredient costs and a vision of a future where anyone with a BMI greater than 24 needs permission from their health-insurance carrier before buying a candy bar.

Whatever.  I smoke cigars and welcome my new hand-to-mouth friends into the Ring of Persecution.

Anyway, the point here is to look at the Google ad that popped up when the algorithm of Message met Monetization.

Did the Google God tip its hand?

Clearly this is cause for concern - no, depression!  But for whom??  For the sugar-jacks who will soon have to buy TWO Mars Bars instead of one?  For the money traders who know the Chocolate Index as the true indicator of economic health?

Or the Priests of Psych who sit upon the truth - that, "These (3) signs of Depression Are A Clear Sign of Depression."

It's coming people.  It's coming...

Don't type with your mouthful.

The bag of crunchy somethings above is from HyVee - a midwestern grocery store chain.

Let's see.

They got Tostados - bite size, white and yellow ones.  Nice for decorating, I bet.

They got Tortilla chips, too.  Ranch, Nacho and "Restaurant Style 100% White Corn." Hmmm.  They're right.  I've never, ever seen Ranch or Nacho chips at a self-respecting restaurant.  (make mental note of this Quality Indicator).

And, they got Corn Chips.  Just Corn Chips.  Your basic Chips of Corn.   Nothing more, nothing less.

Up until now, I was tracking along the Brand.  But suddenly, someone found the Can of Adjectives and had a PARTY!

Get a mouthful of these names -

Cheese-Eze Puffed Cheese Flavored Corn Snack
Krunch-Eze Crunchy Cheese Flavored Fried Corn Snack
Butter Flavored Pop Fresh Baked Corn Pops
Cheese Flavored Pop Fresh Baked Corn Pops
Cheese Balls Backed Cheese Flavored Corn Snack

"Bill, I think I've got it!  We should call them Cheese Eze Cheese Puffed Corn Flavored Snacks!"


"We can't, Tom.  Just got back from Legal, Tom  It turns out that's trademarked."


"Dangit!  All the good names are TAKEN!"

These are the most bizarre names I've seen in a while.  And how are kids supposed to get addicted to salty snacks with names that require a cheat sheet?!"

"Mo-om, could you get some Cheese Eze Crunchy Punchy Funchy Grunch..."

"Spit it out, honey..."

[patoooey]

"Pringles.  I want Pringles."

Look Clem - I think they want somethin'!

The ad above is authentic.  It's a tourism ad for North Dakota.

Two guys, three 'gals.'

The copy reads, "Drinks, dinner, decisions.  Arrive a Guest, Leave a Legend."

You know what the "Decision" was?  Deciding which Gal had to drive them all home.

And the "Legend"?  Well, in North Dakota, husky girls and awkwardly dressed men can find each other.  At least if they're walking in front of the right window.

Mystifying, really -  with other potential Tourism topics like, "Going to Rummage Sales,"  "Church Pancake Dinners" and "Heading into Town to Get Supplies," why did they pick, "Bang on the Window for Alcohol"?

"Look Lorie!  One of them has a BEER!"
"Hand's off - he's MINE!"

(giggle giggle)

North Dakota.  Arrive a Guest.  Leave A Tip.

UPDATE:  It gets weirder - the ad is targeted at CANADIANS (click)!   And you know those Canadians - they'll do anything for beer.