© Sadvertising

Look Clem - I think they want somethin'!

2012-01-13T22:18:00.000-08:00

The ad above is authentic. It's a tourism ad for North Dakota.

Two guys, three 'gals.'

The copy reads, "Drinks, dinner, decisions. Arrive a Guest, Leave a Legend."

You know what the "Decision" was? Deciding which Gal had to drive them all home.

And the "Legend"? Well, in North Dakota, husky girls and awkwardly dressed men can find each other. At least if they're walking in front of the right window.

Mystifying, really - with other potential Tourism topics like, "Going to Rummage Sales," "Church Pancake Dinners" and "Heading into Town to Get Supplies," why did they pick, "Bang on the Window for Alcohol"?

"Look Lorie! One of them has a BEER!"
"Hand's off - he's MINE!"

(giggle giggle)

North Dakota. Arrive a Guest. Leave A Tip.

UPDATE: It gets weirder - the ad is targeted at CANADIANS (click)! And you know those Canadians - they'll do anything for beer.

Mercedes Kampf

2012-01-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

"Yes. Yes! Yes!! Che's our man!"

So. You're Mercedes Benz and you're making a presentation at the gigantimundo Consumer Electronic Show (CES) and want to make a point that you - like all the cool gizmos at the show - are REVOLUTIONARY.

So, you send your 20-something Creative Team to google "Revolutionary" and voila.

Still wondering why putting the iconic face of Cuban "Revolutionary" Che Guevara into your Powerpoint is a bad idea?

He pushed Communism into the bellies of the Cuban people, ushering a Totalitarian regime that's killed thousands and stripped the freedoms of millions.

And why Che when you've got the Premier Brand of dictators right in your backyard?!?

And he was a Mercedes-man, to boot.

You know in some parts, 2 outa 3 ain't bad.

2012-01-04T11:11:00.000-08:00

The above photo was sent in by a Sadvertising reader - it's a Cracker Barrel gift-card from one of them-there gift card racks that are everywhere.

"Eat, Shop. Relax, it's good for both."

Oh the vagaries of punctuation and typography, eh?

1. You can Eat, then Shop...but you'll be stressed as Hell.

2. You can Eat and Relax...but afterwards, you can't shop (because you fell asleep and closed the place down?! "Gawd...last night me'n Goober closed CRACKER BAR'L! Day-um! Whoo-hoo!"

3. You Shop, then Relax. But you can't eat. I wonder why not? Maybe cuz you're sick of the freaking place? "Gawd, if ah'see one more Cin-mun bun candle, ah'm gonna PUKE!"

But then again, maybe...Cracker Barrel knows something about its customer's ability to count.

Certainly they need to learn a thing or two about how to position and punctuation headlines.

I'd have done-it lahk this...

Eat. Shop.

Relax - you can do both!

Yes. Yes! YES! That's how it WORKS!!

2012-01-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

The graphic above is real - it shows the use and result of the "Shape Up Body Pad."

It's so messed up.

Are you hearing the squishy, slurpy sound effects as the woman drops the slug into her pants?

*slurpglurpflurp* Then the parasite takes hold - the deal with the devil complete! In exchange for sumptuous curves, the creature attaches itself, forever one with the new host!

"Lauren...it's time to steal again. Master says so!"

"No! NO! I won't, I just WON'T!"

"Look. You want a butt or not?"

"Yes Master. (sigh) I'll take us to Wal-Mart. "

Mwaa-ha ha ha!

In the meantime, a woman with such an impossibly NON EXISTENT BUTT doesn't need a silicone slug to drop into her pants. She needs to eat it.

Great job, NORTH KOREA!

2011-12-19T09:56:00.000-08:00

The footage above is from the "Democratic People's Republic of Korea" (most often known as North Korea) reacting to the death of their Dear Leader, Kim Jong-ill.

Well, he's not ill any more (rim-shot). he he.

Anyway - I'm impressed with their FOCUS. I can tell you this, if govt. thugs pointed an AK-47 at me and ordered that I begin mourning, I wouldn't make it a second past the, "What for?!"

But that's Communism for ya - it makes ya'learn how to adapt! Notice the dude at 0:59 - you can't get better acting than that! And the chick at 2:47??

(sigh)

I'm thinkin' Meryl Streep just found an heir.

Christmas is GOOD for you!

2011-12-14T15:11:00.000-08:00

The photo above was sent in by a sadvertising reader - it's a Christmas Tree price tag from a Midwest grocery story chain called "HyVee."

For one, it's an awesome deal - save $20 on a tree! Yay!

For two, it's an awesome meal, too! See - according to the "NuVal" nutritional scoring system, Christmas Trees are more nutritious than:

Bananas (91)
Fresh sardines (88)
Atlantic salmon (87)
and GET THIS - GREEN GIANT® SPINACH!! (67)

It's gotta be the Fiber factor, don't you think?

"Pass the branch, mom."

They are keeping Whitey DOWN!

2011-11-25T11:40:00.000-08:00

The screenshot above was taken about...ten minutes ago, on Amazon.com

Well. This is a fresh little twist.

"Daddy, how come Santa didn't bring me a doll house?"

"'cuz Santa's THE MAN and daddy' couldn't AFFORD IT!"

And I'm gonna be really pissed off if them Asians are spending a dime less than $100.

Seriously - what the h*ll?!?!

Why We Fight. 2011

2011-11-21T16:16:00.000-08:00

Ok you 99%'ers. The above video is fresh off the North Korean Billboard Top 100. This is how you do it when your government is really in control.

Kinda...puts things into perspective, eh?

Power to the people and pass the potatoes*.

Er. Probably potato.

PS - Note to Kim Il Jong: "your" tenor is THE BOMB. He gets to lick the bowl, 'k?

*I couldn't stand it the first time either - jump to 1:56 for the punch line.

Go ask Alice. Nurse Alice, of course.

2011-11-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's an old ad - we're tracking 1970s. But it's sooo worthy.

Can you imagine what the marketing guy for Abbott Labs (it was always a Guy back then) said to the agency?

"No no no! It's in the eyes, man! Tell your artist it's in the EYES!"

So the account executive packs up the Comp, goes back to the office, sits down with the Art Director, pours a glass of bourbon...

But this time the Creative Director steps in. With three bottles of Pepsi and three little pills... "You guys need to spend a little more time with the client's vibe."

"Don't worry. This is the SHORT ACTING stuff. You'll be home by 8. Promise."

And wouldn'cha know it - this time, they got the eyes RIGHT!

Ad APPROVED! Yay!

Can't touch THIS Doo!

2011-10-20T10:02:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is for "WIREDoo".

It's a new SEARCH ENGINE created/managed/endorsed/whatever by the MC Hammer.

Cool! I hope he succeeds - from what I've read about the guy, he's sincere, focused and has high character.

He's also going to take crap about the name: WIREDoo.

What is Wire Doo?

Well, it's found beneath the WIRE!

Or maybe he's referring to the search-engine results?

Sex Smells

2011-10-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

The screenshot above is for the Glade® Sense & Spray® device.

So. I push the dismembered woman in the uterus and the room smells...nice?

Women are gorgeous - and the Coke bottle proves their commercial allure. But without breasts...or a head for that mater, they're kinda creepy.

Oh well.

Watch the spot below. I wonder why she doesn't travel outside of a 5' radius of the scent. I wonder. My sister one day informed me that "Girls don't fart."

Maybe it's the corpse.

A Big Hug for the editors

2011-10-17T06:46:00.000-07:00

"So why do we need an Editor?" asks the client.

Well, watch the commercial. Did you notice the car flip and roll? NOPE! That's because the EDITOR knew precisely when to cut to the next scene!

"What is a Trabant?" asks the un-gearheaded among us.

It is possibly the only car I would donate plasma to buy. For one, that's all it's worth. For two, to the people who own them, that's like...normal currency to them.

Oh - click here to find out why TIME Magazine listed the Trabant as "The Car that gave Communism a Bad Name."

You've Come a Long Way, Baby.

2011-09-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

It's a slow day at Sadvertising.

Unless you want a license to go...you know...kill some wi'min.

WHO WANTS A NEW CLIENT?!?! Anyone???

2011-09-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

The above graphic is a screen-cap for Retar...dex. It's a dental product designed to RETARD bad breath.

Go ahead, laugh at the retar...er, moronic name. But you didn't come here for stupid humor. You came for the pithy, insightful and elevated.

So, look at the graphic below. It's the company's own admission that they have a brainless brand name. But, check out their 'excuse' -

"However it was developed by a Professor of Dentistry and his team to actively retard...Because their expertise was dentistry, not marketing, they didn't consider..."

Ohhh. Right. The creator is just a Professor of Dentistry! Well now that they say that, all is forgiven. After all, Dentists tend to be a little - you know - retar... well, slow on the uptake, if you know what I'm sayin'.

I just hope there wasn't any Chemistry required in the formulation of RetardEd...er RetardEx. "Geez! How was I supposed to know that adding diesel fuel made it flammable! I'm just a DENTIST!"

Wait! If we have any comments on the name, we're asked to "...pass to our marketing department, contact us here." (insert email and facebook® icon).

So the Professor hired a whole department of marketing people afterwards and the name still sucks?!?

Scratch "HR Executive" off the Dentist's qualifications, too.

Geez. How retarded.

Oh. And to the Executives at RetardEx. Anyone who's told you that "Any press is good press!" has never heard of Hitler. And, if they've never heard of Hitler, they're stupid.

How do you catch a fat kid?

2011-08-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

The ad above was provided by a sadvertising reader - it's a pull-off promo from a soft drink cup marketed by Taco Johns.

Just in the nick of time, too.

See, I'd been slouched on the curb tracing words of despair on the concrete with an empty bottle of Sailor Jerry. My utter lack of faith in the promise of Marketing Goodness had finally spent itself in an unholy Saturday afternoon drunk.

"Wee goddaa yoosh our forshes for GOOD!" I cried (so they tell me). "Frr'GOOD! Nnnoot...nnot... nott EBIL..frrGOOD!"

Just as I started to fall backward under Morpheus' mocking blow, a child - a precious, innocent child presented the above to me. "Don't give up hope Mr. Sadvertising. I give to you a sign!"

There, blocking out the damning rays of sun, was the child's sweet visage and the above scanned coupon. "Read. It is good."

See...here's the deal - buy a load of high caloric sugary sludge from Taco Johns and you can get HEALTHY LIVING TIPS! YES!! HEALTHY. LIVING. TIPS!

"Ha. Ha." you say, smirking at the obvious irony (most people here are NPR listeners, so irony is like daily bread to them).

NO! This isn't a myopic mistake of a Regional Assistant Field Marketing Assistant. It's the work of a Brilliant Mind and utter leadership to take control of the masses and bring them to the Promised Land.

See, the fatties who splurge on the Combo Meals don't read past the offer. They're too focused on the promise of more food. So when they TXT the code, in expectance of a free Mega-whatever, Ka-POW! They're hit with the surprise attack of truth!

Real...healthy...living...tips!

(slurp - nom nom nom nom) "Ok lookit. Here comes our offer! I bet it's a double combo upgrade! Ok! Here it is! It says, Go for a walk in the park and ...eat an apple..?!."

(slurp - crunch, crunch) "What's'n apple momma?"

FX: Cue sunlight splits the Taco Johns roof, cue Handel's Messiah, pink-cheeked (but muscular) Cherubs descend and a vision of the fatties in their slim, trim form jogging atop a tree lined bicycle trail plays).

GOTCHA! And this time, FOR GOOD!

Ha. I knew we had it in us. All this time, I just knew that - when united for a cause, just like in WW2 - we masters of propaganda could use our power to the beneficence of everyone. We can do it!

And Thank You Pepsi, Taco Johns, for taking the lead in providing Healthy Living Tips with every meal. You sly devils you... :)

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to write I go... (whistles, a little lift in my step). Zippidty doo dah!

That's...gotta...hurt.

2011-08-23T17:15:00.000-07:00

The photo above is for the AB Exerciser Ball™.

The 9" version.

Look at the photo. I mean really look at the photo.

Maybe you're like me and you're thinking, "Gee. The Exersizer Ball™ is probably a pain in the..."

Naw. That's too easy.

But I will state this. Once used per the photo, the Exersizer Ball is truly yours. Used as directed, who's going to want to borrow it?

Ewwww.

Don't worry. They'll find us. I just know it!

2011-08-19T09:15:00.000-07:00

The billboard above is for Uzbekistan Airways.

But, I will state this - having a big blue tail with a yellow and green logo REALLY DOES improve the luck of the search party!

(insert helicopter fx)

"Uh...Angel 10 to rescue center, this sector is clear...uh...there it is! We have the crash site! Look at that glorious big ole'blue tail and logo...it's our lucky day!"

I think it's pretty cool when airlines do that. You know, paint their birds in high-vis colors. But even better when they flat out let you know why.

No lost-in-the-Mountain cannibalism when you auger into the glacier with Uzbek Airways. No way.

You cast your luck with them? They cast their luck back'at cha.

2011-08-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

The ad above is in the new Esquire.

Yeah, yeah - the buzz is all over; it's a Racist Ad.

But, imagine a world where we can have this kind of zaniness and no one cries "Racist!" at all. Why? Because no one would look at the ad and have the thought occur.

It's a guy, throwing a head. For Nivea. That's it. The creative stands or falls on its merit.

(sigh)

PS - the creative is stupid. I had a roomie in college that never shaved, never bathed and lived to sit on the toilet at the same time each day. HE was un-civilized. A bottle of Nivea ANYTHING would have wilted in his presence and he would have regarded the soft, reeking plastic container as a snack.

No gratitude for their Situation

2011-08-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is "The Situation" wearing what is presumably Abercrombie & Fitch clothing.

Of course you've heard how A&F publicly asked MTV God "The Situation" to stop wearing their clothing because (cough cough) he and his cohorts were hurting their brand.

I'm scratching myself. And thinking, "What the...?!"

The Advertising/Marketing/PR job market looks like a WW1 battle field these days - craters mark the demise of so many agencies, shell-shocked graphic designers wander wide-eyed looking for free coffee and wi-fi while former Agency Execs mumble mindlessly in trenches, calling out media campaigns that only exist on paper...

And yet - the Brand Boobs at A&F come up with an idea that is guaranteed to alienate at least HALF of their market AND keep a trash icon alive for another eighteen months!

"Yo. McDees. Yeah. I got this ad campaign. You ready? Here it is...

No.

Fat.

Chicks.

2D barcodes scan for BMIs and anything less than a 24? Ged'ouda'herrrrrre!"

Today, A&F awoke to a 9% dump in stock prices.

Zombie sex

2011-08-14T01:37:00.000-07:00

The ad above was ripped out of this month's Reader's Digest. It's for "MidNight" brand sleep aids. But you only get that later as part of just some super-awesome copywriting!

See...the ad compels you first because you think it's a sex aid ad. And everyone reads sex aid ads. Right?

I mean - there you are, immersed in the story about how a 12 year old 3-legged golden retriever saved the lives of a small Arkansas town, flip the page and go, "Great! This reminds me - I need some more sex aids and these fine people have a coupon!" only to get half way down the ad and realize it's really for SLEEP aids!

But see, the switch doesn't make you feel deceived, because it's so darned clever!

See - SHE "needs it" in the middle of the night. But HE "needs it" now! But see, here's the genius - it's NOT sex they need but...yeah! You're catching on...they need SLEEP!

Fooled ya! Ha ha - LMAO! See?!

I remember back in Advertising School Studies (ASS) we learned right away - two things that never fail to increase the effectiveness of your client's brand, sales and bottom-line. #1, sex. #2, uh...can't remember. I think it starts with a "P" though.

Shhh, though, 'k? That course was a 500 level and we had to promise not to let the secret out or else anyone would be able to make ads. See?! Kind of like how the brain surgeon doesn't tell you where he cuts? Or the police don't tell you how decide who gets a ticket and who gets a warning?

Anyway, I'm glad Reader's Digest held to their standards and made sure the couple was married. See the wedding rings? Whew! For a second there, I was thinkin', "What if the kids see this?!" but thank gawd, they're married. Good call, Creative Director! (note to self: if you're going to sell sex, use safe sex).

Great ad. I'm gonna fold this sucker up and tuck it in my wallet. You know, for when it's 3am and I need a good idea.

PS - Another genius point - did you notice how the girl and client (oops, there I go with the ad-talk. I mean, man) are looking at us, the reader? As if we just entered their world? And they engage us eye-to-eye in meaningful dialog?

I think he really loves her. I mean - again, notice the rings.

These guys don't miss a beat!

Windex is a great brand.

2011-06-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

The photo above is my hand. Holding a bottle of Windex®.

Not just any bottle of Windex® but Limited Edition Windex. What's "Limited" about this Windex?

The label. And what's so special about the label? It has stylized sunglasses on it.

Think about this - by this weird work of nothingness, Windex has made a startling admission: they've created the perfect product. Nothing to improve. No contests. No 'decorator bottles.' No 'easy applicators.' No 'travel size.' No nuthin'.

Not even a different COLOR LIQUID.

Nuthin' but a stinkin' label change.

In other words, Windex is the perfect brand. There's nothing to improve, schlep, razzle-dazzle or discount other than...a headline.

If you hear that angelic hum coming from the horizon, far off, in the direction of the hallowed halls of Windex, Inc., know that the Marketing Department has been officially fired.

Perfection has occurred.

Gawd bless the Chemists.

OMG! IT'LL BE SOOOOO CUTE!

2011-06-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

"And for when the baby comes home, I'm gonna wear THESE BLUE ONES! Yay!"

This is what you get for letting dirty old men direct the photo shoot.

"Hey Vanessa. Stuff a couple shirts up your dress, k?"

"Ok!"

"Greeaat..."

In the meantime, the Candies Foundation continues their tireless quest to inform, educate and elevate young girls to be the BEST they can be!

And if the best you can be is be beautiful? Save the world and get breedin'!

It's all in the execution.

2011-06-12T11:12:00.000-07:00

The photo above came from a Sadvertising reader. It's of her friend's daughter's birthday cake. Ok, it's not really a cake but one of those ice-cream things sold by Dairy Queen.

You know, you've got to hand it to DQ - they sure do step up to the plate and try. Kind of like parents, who enroll their kid in every conceivable sport program - you know, for his self-esteem and all - only to slump in defeat when they finally realize, "Damn. We gave birth to a band kid."

But that's life. And business. When the franchisor sees the lucrative custom-cake segment going to all those little old ladies and grocery stores that have edible-ink cake printers...

"We can do that, too!"

And so here you go. Little Cindy's Barbic cake! In typical franchisor-minded, politically-correct fashion, too! Why, Barbic is part Eskimo, African-American, Asian, Norwegian, Scottish...and even German Rottweiler! And Persian Cat!

And down-on-her-luck Showgirl!

Can you imagine the party? A flutter of little party girls giggling and talking, readying for presents and treats... mom unveils the cake...then the stunned silence and prickly psychic static generated by the wordless wondering, "What the hell is that?!"

And little Jenny starts to cry.

Then Lauren.

Then Betsy says she has to go to the bathroom.

And Cindy...sweet little Cindy on her beautiful day asks, "Mommy? What did you do?" Cindy points at what Mommy now will forever refer to as The Thing...

"It's..." (mom inhales) "...$25 down the tube."

Cindy joins the wailing.

Meanwhile, far away, at a Dairy Queen, an hourly employee with no art training doesn't understand why he's suddenly consumed with guilt.

And Dairy Queen corporate issues a memo, "We've just licensed Justin Bieber's face for party cakes! Hurray!"

Ahh. Sweet harmony.

2011-05-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

I just received the ad above from a sadvertising reader.

He's a fashionista - of course, he found the Marvel Comics-inspired color scheme compelling. But me...I'm always drawn into the deep strategy. Cuz I'm a thinking-kind-of-guy. You know - I'm the one comparing labels in the condiment aisle, "Maybe its time to try Hunts Catsup over Heinz. What could possibly go wrong?"

Anyway.

The headline, "In our family, we're all together on the wonderful..."

So. There was a family meeting on the issue of how to heat the home?! "Shut UP, Roger! It's Danny's turn, now! (ah-hem) Danny - your thoughts on going to Flameless Electric Home Heating?"

"Make Roger gimme my army men back!"

"Fine! I try to teach democracy to this family and what do I get?! You think I work this hard to put up with all of your...?!"

Ha ha. Just kiddin'. This was back in the days when families said Please, Thank You and Ma'am & Sir. I bet the meeting went brilliantly and afterwards, mom made Jeno's pizza and everyone got a whole bottle of Coke®. For real.

But I bet the kid on the far right ended up in Fashion Design in New York City. Or San Francisco.

(Forty years later)

"Hal, do you think it was the Flameless Electric Home Heating that...you know, made Gary..."

"Either that or those damn drapes that your mother bought us."

The Secret® Stall

2011-05-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

The scan above is for Secret® deodorant. It'd been sitting on my desk for a month or two. Today, I gave up hope of fully understanding the Creative behind it.

What I've been able to grasp, however is this: Secret® deodorant is tying its product to a higher-minded concept of eliminating "mean." The copy under the scratched-in headline is simple: "Be nice behind someone's back." A Facebook page has been set up to handle the Viral - "facebook.com/meanstinks"

Yes. "Mean" stinks. So does vandalism. So does having to use small-town truck stop restrooms.

Anyway. Here's the scenario - Kara B sits down to pee, looks up at the scratched metal and thinks, "Awwww. That was sooo SWEET!" Later, Kara B is sitting with a few other girls at the Truck Stop and she says, "Alright, which one of you wrote me the message in Stall 4? Trixie? Delight? Desiree? That was sooo SWEET!"

Desiree sheepishly raises her hand, the girls giggle, a big black Kenworth hisses to a halt and our angelic vandal gives a wink before trotting out the door to the parking lot. For a Secret meeting...OH! I GET IT NOW!

SECRET® is for GIRLS WHO HAVE SECRETS!! (slaps forehead).

Well duh!

Men write their Secrets on bathroom stalls, too.

Group hug!

Hot Wings, YEAH!

2011-04-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

The scan above is from a poster found at a "SportClips" hair-cut franchise. It advertises a promotion where - well, there's a contest and the winner gets $10K.

"What would you do with $10,000?"

Well, clearly, SportClips believes its customers would do the smart thing and buy ten grand worth of chicken wings. Well, duh! Who wouldn't?!?

"HEY'BABE! I JUS'WON TEN THOUUUUSSAN DOLLURS! WE'RE RICH! GES'SUM HOT WINGS!"

Geez. Everyone knows SportClips customers are Beer Bongers. Eff the hotwings (those are for the fat girls at Regis).

Geez. Or a dream date with Snooki.

$10k worth of hot wings. And Snooki.

Livin' the dream, man. Livin' the dream.

Warning: Photographer may cause unintended acceleration.

2011-04-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

The ad above was sent in by a Sadvertising reader who saw the ad above and just had to exclaim, "WHOA! Slow down there, hombres! You're movin' too fast!"

But, maybe that's because this particular group of Dentist's "Brand" is all about neck-bending acceleration! Kind of like when we were kids on the school bus. Time ticking, waiting for the train to pass, then the caboose finally goes by, the bus driver drops the clutch and in a giant yellow lurch, all the kids snap their necks.

Poor Dentists. Clearly, they'll need a chiropractor.

Or a photographer that doesn't have a rocket sled in the studio.

"Titles" ARE important.

2011-04-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

Don't ask "Why...?" Some things are just better off a mystery.

But, I will bet you, as they say around here, "Dollars to donuts" that there isn't a single child in the known universe who's begging dad to, "Please, please, please read The Lonely Troll! Read the Lonely Troll!"

This combination of title and illustration drips ennui like mayonnaise sandwiches left to ferment in a hot trunk.

However, considering that criticism should never be tendered without a solution, please accept the following:

Update: note to the sadvertising reader who just emailed, "Why yes. I AM bored today. Like a lonely troll."

Update: geez. Am I supposed to be funny ALL the time?!

When brands lose their way.

2011-03-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

The photo above is from a Sadvertising reader. He was cleaning out the garage and found this old suitcase.

The brand name is "Amelia Earhart."

This from the same people that brought you Titanic Cruise Lines, Jim Jones' Party Punch and the Windows™ Vista® powered pacemaker.

Marketing guy: "Let's name it Amelia Earhart! It'll stand for adventure, independence, spontaneity! A perfect travel brand!"

Pragmatic guy: "Amelia died, lost somewhere in the Pacific on one of those adventurous, independent..."

Marketing guy: "Niche market! We'll target people who secretly hate their..."

Thank you Sadvertising reader.

To said Sadvertising reader's wife - if your husband ever offers you a dream trip so you can, "spend some time alone, re-energize and find yourself," he's going to be in Vegas for a long, long time.

How to do a proper Movie Poster

2011-03-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

The scan above was sent to me - it's a poster from an Eastern movie and quite possibly the greatest movie poster, ever.

Why can't American flix have such awesomeness? Black clad villains with tomahawks tucked into their belts! A mustached hero who's unashamed to use the toilet! Bullets flying! Mountainous...hair! Geez. Right away, the expectations are set - we KNOW what this movie is all about. No mere "serving suggestion," this flick is about bad guys, gunplay, going to the bathroom and glorious HER!

And I bet it's all over in less than two minutes.

Hollywood just doesn't get it.

Giada De Laurentis' has MACROCEPHALY (I'm a doctor, yay!)

2011-03-05T09:10:00.000-08:00

While shopping at Target® the other day, a cardboard point-of-sale unit fairly caught my eye and went, "AAAACK!"

For a second, I thought, "Oh great. The Oompah Loompas caught the Branding bug." But then, the truth hurt - Giada De Laurentis merely caught a bad case of Macrocephaly - you know, the disease that suddenly makes your head the size of your forearm?

Weird. Of course, there's the option that Giada stood over the intern's shoulder shouting, "Bigger! Bigger! Make my head BIGGER!"

Go ahead - click on the photo and enlarge it.

Poor girl. But one day, she'll make an awesome Macy's parade float.

Now THIS is brand consistency!

2011-01-31T11:11:00.000-08:00

This was just sent in from a sadvertising reader - the screenshot above is from Toxic Waste candy, a favored deviance of nine year old boys.

The screenshot below is from Wallet Pop, demonstrating the definition of the word IRONY. See - they just got busted for having LEAD in their candy. Talk about TOXIC WASTE.

I can see the VP of Marketing, standing before the lawyers explaining how "No, no, no, you've got it all wrong! See, we're building a BRAND, see? We're just bein'real, see?!"

And where do you think this stuff is made? Three Mile Island? Chernobyl? Hiroshima? Naw. The suits chickened out and went with the low bid from Pakistan.

In the meantime, I'm dusting off my idea for lead Legos®. Nothing says 'quality' like metal, ya know? And I think they should be scented sour apple and cherry. You know - just to smell good. For the kids.

Next, them damn Swedes.

2011-01-29T12:03:00.000-08:00

The photo above was sent in by a Sadvertising reader. His daughter brought it home.

Being of French descent, he found it amusing. Married to a Latino, he found it disturbing. As an American, however, he was outraged that a Salon (of all places!) would be so bold as to work to wiping out one of our Nation's founding nationalities.

He's up in arms about this - "Hitler tried it with machine guns, now Studio 35 is trying it with flammable liquid! Can't we just GET ALONG?!"

I told him to leave it be - everyone knows the best way to get rid of Poles is to throw Pierogi's on a busy highway.

And he, of course, was calmed a bit after realizing Poles can't read anyway.

R.I.P. = the United Colors of Terror

2011-01-27T06:54:00.000-08:00

According to the Department of Homeland Security, the beloved, trusted Terror Colors are being retired this April. This attempt must surely go down in history as one of the strangest ad campaigns in American history.

The principle was solid-enough: assure citizens, illiterate or not, of their risk of random death/injury by a color chart. "Today's a red day, kids. No kisses until I see kevlar on mommy's little bunchkins!"

Now, the chart was a sincere attempt to inform but it lost any credibility when NO ONE saw a GREEN DAY. Sweet Jimminy - did anyone ever see BLUE?! Geez, I don't think we ever left Orange! Maybe you were like me, staring wistfully at the color chart while TSA went through your stuff, dreaming of those carefree GREEN days as a kid, running through the meadow with your best friend Chip and his dog Shep...

But, I guess with the passing of this silly system, I truly mourn the ability to bid on the job on the first place. Maybe I'm crying sour grapes because they didn't like MY idea.

It was better, don't you think?

It's not even funny.

2011-01-25T16:14:00.000-08:00

The YouTube above is...not funny.

Gawd, I wish it were merely some ill-conceived ad or marketing gizmo. But it isn't. It's 2:25 of incomprehensible ramble. Kind of like listening to a small-town drunk rave about Plato's Republic between burps.

If anyone can make sense out of this blown fire hydrant of gobbledegook, they should write on their driver's license, "Donate my brain to Science."

(sigh)

Every time a copywriter tortures words, baby kittens cry. And not just any baby kittens - the really, really cute ones with rainbow hearts that heal sick orphans and fart pixie dust.

I promise the next post will be funny again.

More reason to fear the Chinese.

2011-01-24T13:06:00.000-08:00

It's cool to get a new client that makes toys (Yay!). It's another when that client turns out to be one of them-there sweatshop counterfeiters who don't even care!

Numma #1: My Little Pony made $1.2 for Hasbro last year!

Numma #2: He he he. Not THIS year! He he he! Call the Dollar Stores, we've got ten containers on a ship headin' for L.A!

"MommeeeEEE! I want Love Shine DemonDonkey! With the Spectral UniHorn!"

Geez. With all the unemployment in the USA right now, you'd figure SOMEONE would answer a want ad: Wanted - copywriter to make sure our product names don't suck or frighten.

The Right Choice.

2011-01-21T07:24:00.000-08:00

The ad above was ripped out of a December issue of...dangit! I can't remember! Probably, I was so stunned by altruism and righteous authority of the Kellogg Company.

Kinda like when Gramps bought me that bottle of Crown Royal® for my fifth birthday. "Top shelf, kid. All the way!" And you know what? He was right. The hangovers just disappeared. Poof! Plus, I had a cool purple bag to barf in.

So, to all good parents out there, wrastlin' with that Moral Dilemma in Aisle 4, the choice is simple - plump the little gobblers with Pop Tarts™ and pat yourself on the back.

"Kids, this year, the Johnson's are BAKED, not fried!"

But, you know what happens when you try to serve Health Food - they'll be back to Toaster Strudel... they always come back (cue creepy organ music), they a l w a y s come back (mwaha ha ha ha ha!).

Happy New Year! And remember - the Emperor is still naked.

2011-01-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

Happy 2011! Another year, another chance to be redeemed of all the lessons from the Holy past. This year, let it be the lesson of Hubris. Or, as one of my Mentors calls it, "The Bullsh*t that fools itself."

Anyway, I thought the ad above might be a good one to kick off 2011's Sadvertising season. It's circa 1973.

Geez. I tried to palm off my first-gen iPod shuffle onto my 9yr old and she shuddered in revulsion as if I were dangling a dead lab mouse by the tail.

But I have to respect the copy - "It also has mixing controls that let you mix two sound sources - for instance, your life story, narrated by you against background music."

Gawd. How crushing would THAT be, eh? Maybe a couple shots of Old Granddad and I'd start thinking my life story would warrant background music. But wow - what a mental picture! Ha. I'm thinking Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries.

Anyway, good-year to everyone and as always, Be Careful with the Copy. And watch this space - I've got a box of great stuff to post (thanks to ya'll).

NOTE: Geez. The Sadvertising Police have spoken; my grammatical error has been captured and killed.

The Hell Panda! Merry CHRISTMAAAARRRRGH!

2010-12-26T09:54:00.000-08:00

Is a product "Sadvertising"? Yes. It is when it scares the wits out of your child.

This little gizmo found its way into Thing 3's stocking. A cute little Panda keychain (Thing 3 owns no keys, btw) with - what's this little button here? Let's just push it...

WWLAAAAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! Possessed Panda from the Underworld!?

"Daddy! Make the bad Chinese exporter stop! Make him stah-ah-ah-ah ahhhhhp! (inhale, WAHHH!)"

Or maybe it's a carefully disguised self-defence device.

Anyway, this piece of evil has got to go before Thing 2 figures it'd be fun to sneak to school and freak out the playground.

What happens in the Caymans, stays in the Caymans.

2010-12-23T07:39:00.000-08:00

The scan above is an ad taken from last month's Redbook(?) Of course, the ad is to promote tourism to the Cayman Islands.

Aside from being grammatically incorrect*, the headline promises: "Where once in a lifetime happens everyday." I hope not.

Firstly, swimming with Stingrays is pretty cool. For having the ability to kill Wildlife Experts like Steve Irwin, they're rather professional and only envenomate people when molested.

So, why does it appear that Mom is getting zapped out of her mind because of Dad's reckless and (in many countries) deviant behaviour?

I guess for the two kids, the Caymans will live up to the promise. Dad's in jail for life and mom's in a coma.

*Every day. Two words, not one.

Chocodooby. My Christmas gift to Ad People.

2010-12-21T04:45:00.000-08:00

The ad above is an old one, but I still remember the first time I saw it years ago. Since then, I've been jamming pipe cleaners soaked in gasoline through my sinuses in an effort to clean my brain.

Naw. Just kidding. This is my Xmas gift to all in the Biz who are struggling right now with that Genius idea and the Faith that the client will buy it. Rise up, oh hopeless, oh cynicized, oh beaten-down Creatives. It can happen. You can sell anything you set your mind to.

Including a giant gibberish-speaking testicle that sells food and toys.

Thank goodness Europe has socialized medicine. If this would have aired-big in the United States, it could have brought down the system in a single "Weeeeeee!"

"Doctor! This...this...this horde! They keep clawing at their eyes! What do we do?!"

"Barricade, nurse. And head to the heliport, stat!"

PS - Kinder Eggs® are the BOMB. And I want that airplane.

A big drink of Cigar Box

2010-12-15T15:24:00.000-08:00

A sadvertising reader sent this to me. "Do wine descriptions count as Sadvertising?"

Sweet jimminy on a stick, they sure do!

Melange Noir - 2007

Tasting Note: Aromatic ripe berries and spice marry with light cedar notes. A well rounded palate of black and cigar box leads to lingering tasted oak on the finish.

In other words - this plonk tastes like burnt wood. Order the Crown & Coke. There should be a licensing process before allowing people to use words in public, don't you think?

"...black and cigar box leads to lingering..."

[slaps forehead]

[again]

Thank you, sadvertising reader!

A BLAST to your FACE! Yeah!

2010-11-28T10:28:00.000-08:00

The scan above is a direct mail piece I received yesterday. It's for a new Schick® razor that I'll be trying tomorrow morning, for free! Yay!

But don't be surprised if I'm forever changed by the experience. In fact, I'm a little scared (but I'm going through it because Fear is bad and it's not going to cost me any money).

Poor Schick® - they've struggled at being #2 to Gillette forever. Maybe it's the lack of slotting fees, vibrating blades or Sicilian connections but it sure isn't lack of trying, hence the giveaway. And I'm "in" - the kids have been warned that this afternoon is "Trip to Target® day! Yay!" (collective groan response).

Or it could be their weird Creative.

Firstly, their slogan, "It's like a blast of hydration to your face!™" This has to have been thunk up by women because to a man, a blast of hydration to the face is followed by a charge and a right hook to the kidney. It's the law of summer water fights. And any self-respecting man who rubs his cheeks after shaving complaining of, "Hydration issues" is probably too weenie to be trusted with sharp metal anyway.

Bah. I know a man who spent a week in a WW2 jungle and he shaved every day using a dull razor, skin oil and rain water. I can only imagine the dumbfounded stare he'd give me if I asked, "Bill, how did you deal with facial hydration while you were behind enemy lines?"

Weirder yet is the ™ mark - clearly, some Creative Director thought, "No one's gonna steal that slogan from us, it's just too good!" Good luck on the "blast to face" brand extension.

Anyway, secondly, the OTHER slogan is even more thought provoking - "Free your skin®." This one is ® too.

Mirror check. Stare deeply at our parched cheeks and repeat after me: "My skin needs to be freed." From the rigid confinement of muscle tissue?

I guess those Schick™ razors are pretty sharp!

Maybe this is where the Hydration comes in?

Note: A Sadvertising reader - a 90 year old man, no less, just responded to me with this:

One day I read where using water was just as good and a lot less expensive. Remembr, I grew up during the Great Depression.

Well, I started shaving in the shower with water pouring over my face keeping it real wet as I made strokes with my razor. It worked. No pain. Good shave, no delayin trips to the hotel gift shop. I still do it. I have not used any kind of shaving cream i in 50 years. Also, I dry my razor after using and change blades about once a month.

Not sure this would be satisfactory for a man with a real fast-growing, heavy growth of facial hair, but it works for me. I shower, shave and exercise in the shower every morning (hip squats and toe-touching) Just became 90.

Depressing?

2010-11-26T20:02:00.000-08:00

The ad above is for "Abilify" - it's a drug that - apparently - helps depression drugs work better.

This post came from a suggestion of a Sadvertising reader. Typically, this blog is uproariously funny and I wallow in the accolades of "Ha ha" like a media buyer rolling in bonus spots. Or a pig in mud. You pick.

But, this ad isn't so much a lampoon of a Creative, Art or Copy director as it is to how little is known about Depression and how to treat it. How do we know? Read the copy.

"Approximately 2 out of 3 people being treated for depression still have depression..."

The sadvertising reader asked, "So, 66% of depression treatments aren't working?!"

Now I know where all the burned out Ad people go...product development for Big Pharma. With Media the way it is now days, they're probably looking at a 33% hit rate and thinking it's like Direct Mail in the 80s all over again.

Happy Days!

PS - I just had an idea. Why not stuff $5 bills into the bottles? Just imagine the Focus Group on that one - "So, how did you feel when you found a bunch of money in your bottle of MegoFlux?" "I felt...great!" "Whoa! 10 for 10! Call the FDA...and the Copywriters!"

Yes.

2010-11-07T16:01:00.000-08:00

The photo above was taken at a trade show. I know it's "for real" because I took the photo.

Folks, I'm here to tell ya' - it's that easy. You know that famous silicone lawsuit of a few years back? Pointless. Needless. You babes needed only Chesty Chewing Gum.

And you know, the code was buried there all along - Mastication (for chew) Mastos (Greek for breast)... geez. This is like the Bible Code only happier!

Being a victim of the upper-Midwest, I knew by experience that the more women chewed, the bigger their boobs got...but so did their butts. And their ankles. I've seen'em at pizza buffets, chewin' and chewin'...

However the Natural Burst Company has the magic numbers dialed in - reference the nubile (at last, a reason to write 'nubile'!) woman who is obviously placing her faith in Chesty. Let's hope this is a "before" shot.

Level 4! All the way!

2010-11-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

The video above is for the "i-JoyRide Exerciser." It's a clip from a Canadian shop-at-home television show.

Go ahead - click Play. I'll wait.

[Twiddles thumbs, whistles]

So. Wha'dja think?

Two quotes made me think. The first one was: "This is been a great thing for my boys and I to do when they get home from school..." Yeah. And as soon as your boys bring home a buddy or two, you'll have them lined out the front door. "Hey. Let's go and watch Billy's mom exercise some more!"

The second one was pertaining to having guests over for dinner and inviting them to ride the i-JoyRide. Certainly - especially if you're also demoing how to clean vomit out of carpet.

Want more? (hint: go to :50) For some reason it just makes more sense with a Brit accent.

Poor Frank.

2010-10-31T10:25:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is from an email received from Giants Sunflowers.

Double-click the graphic - if you dare - to get a closer look at the Frankenstein-guy. Instead of being frightened at his reanimated corpse-ishness, he kinda looks...sad.

Looking at our Malaise-minded Monster, I'm thinking he'll break out into tears at any moment.

'Course, if I were forced to wear that ill-fitting hat, I'd be bummed too.

Watch your back, yes. And...maybe the History Channel?

2010-10-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is a direct mail piece created by a marketing company working on behalf of North Carolina Legislator, Tim Spear.

I think the message is clear - Spear is a Democrat who's watching the "backs" of veterans.

Only these veterans are not veterans. They're WW2 reenactors. And they're not American reenactors but Germans. And, if we're being nit-picky, these Germans are fighting for Hitler.

Ah, Hitler. The man who exterminated millions and completely buzzkilled an easy-to-care-for mustache for the next six hundred years.

Of course, the marketing company is all over with the mea culpa's. But, how on earth do you apologize to a client for THIS?

Ad guy: "Hey. Spear dude! 'Sup?!"
Spear: "Uh...just working on trying keep my job. 'Sup with you?"
Ad guy: "Uh. We put Nazis on your postcard."
Spear: ----- (sfx of man faceplanting)

All in all, this error is a simple one. However, it does illustrate that no one at the firm bounced the concept off of anyone who knew anything about the Military...which is especially ironic considering the headline:

"In combat, you always want another soldier covering your back."

At least a soldier who isn't the freaking ENEMY. Oh well, maybe the Graphic Designer is a Republican. Or, for the geeks among us, a National Socialist.

This is ONE way to win a taste test. I guess.

2010-10-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

The screenshot above is from Pierre Foods - a manufacturer of, well, food. The crude drawing of a sickly green person getting ready to Ralph is mine.

For a company that can run a dang-fine cover shot like the one shown, they're danged insecure about their hamburgers I mean, comparing their COOKED burger to a "leading raw burger?!"

(scene: Corporate guy with clipboard, in a Mall, behind two plates)

"Ok, mom. Would you rather serve your kids this sizzling burger or patty up some of this raw stuff and risk spending 4 nervous weeks as your kids fight for life against e-coli poisoning?"

"Uh...I'll take the cooked burger!"

"YAY! We win! Again! We're great, we're great nananana boo boo We're Great! Again!"

And evidently, the Pierre people took this bizarre taste-test on the road - nationally.

"Ok, now what's better - our tasty chicken sandwich or this fistful of poultry intestines?"

"YAY! We win! Again! We're great, we're great nanana..."

NOTE: A Sadvertising reader just offered the following factoid: 1:3 still preferred the RAW BURGER.

MY GOOD CARPET!

2010-10-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is a scan sent to me by a Sadvertising reader who received it in a "card-deck" mailing to his home. Suffice it to state, it's for a company marketing "Outdoor Gear."

Regardless, you're looking at one of the hardest-working pieces of paper this side of a dysentery ward (or a political flier - same thing).

Sweet jimminy - we've got a Goth babe (with hip dysplasia?), FIRE - LOTS of FIRE! - no less than five fonts, a ginormous pizza oven with FIRE - LOTS of FIRE! and good ole' Shep holding a dead pheasant. On white carpet.

I feel like I just washed my eyes with Red Bull.

Oh. Wait. I'm re-reading now... oh! Well, duh. I should have read the copy first. It's "Not your ordinary Hunting Sale!"

Well alright then - they're marketing Un-ordinary. Everything makes total sense now. In that case, the only change I would have made would be to add a Cadillac Escalade with 25" bling rims somewhere. Maybe too a picture of Grizzly Bear. And maybe a stack of $100's and a bottle of Jack Daniels. But that's just me.

However, the sadvertising reader who contributed this piece offered this commentary:

"That dog is going to be in deep (doo), on several fronts. First, he dragged this dead bird inside on the nice white rug. Second, Jasmine's obviously in The Mood For Love, since she has her lacy see-my-(breasts) top on. Notice how ticked she looks that this mutt is interrupting her romantic evening. And it must be evening since there's a nice fire in the fireplace. So where did the dead bird come from? Last I checked, you can't shoot them at night. Maybe Bob was one rooster over the limit so he chucked this one in the ditch on the way home earlier in the day, and now Ol' Brainless goes and sniffs the damn thing up and brings it back."

(LOL! - thank you Sadvertising Reader who professes to be a rabid hunter with insistence upon excellent outdoor gear, taste in fine women and hunting with dogs who know better than to bring dead game into a house).

Hey babe. Nice femur.

2010-10-14T15:13:00.000-07:00

The screenshot above is from today's GAP home page. It features a guy who looks like he just left a pool bar at 2am and...

(sweet jimminy)

...a dead chick. There's no way she survived the photo shoot - that grin on her face cost about 10 calories and I'm figuring she was down to her last 9.

And the Photoshop is pathetic, sculpting her "legs" into something akin to antennae from a Martian spacecraft.

"GAP"? Heck yeah. If she squeezed her butt cheeks together, they wouldn't hold a packing peanut.

Maybe I'm biased because I remember the sound of all the machines "that went ping" while my sister was hospitalized for bulimia. But 'round here, that ain't no woman, it's a corpse.

Oh well. You know the starving - they work cheap.

Alas, poor Microsoft.

2010-10-13T05:30:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Do not be deceived by the NPR-level haughtiness hereby offered. Just because it involves esoteric (and perhaps pithy, ne erudite) critique of corporate giant Microsoft's clumsy communique, doesn't mean it ain't useful to us reg'lr folks.

The series above is from a sadvertising reader - it's from a web-mercial promoting Microsoft's new flight simulator, "Flight."

Describing the video - a series of text screens fade-in/out over passing of clouds; the lines are simple, profound - meant to be read a'la Morgan Freeman. The effect? Magical. Sensory - one can almost feel as if one is flying! At the end, the viewer is struck by anticipation, reeling in the promised WONDER.

Nothing sets the tone like Shakespeare. Eh? Pour the Bordeaux into the Riedel - spread the Camembert, we're going deep...

And now begins the legendary hooey from Microsoft's marketing department.

"There's this line from Shakespeare..."

Oh geez. As soon as someone states that, the pretension starts to bubble like gas from canned chili.

"My soul is in the sky."

Oh geez x 2. The line isn't from "Shakespeare" - it's from his play, "A Midsummer Night's Dream." You knew that right?

"You know the feeling."

Sweet jimminy. I hope not. Because the line is uttered after one of the main characters STABS HIMSELF and then utters, "Now die, die, die, die, die."

Of course your "Soul is in the sky." You're dead, silly.

Time out. Yeah, yeah, only one out a million know anything about AMND at all. So why dredge up the arcane and throw yet another rock at the mighty tower of Microsoft's marketing department? Because this screen was sent to me by a Sadvertising reader who found it on an aviation blog frequented by - you guessed it - flight sim users!

It looks as if Microsloth simply "googled" (or Bing'd?) quotes on flying, found one, looked at the clock, saw it was 4:15pm on a Friday and got'er done. I'd expect this kind of sloppiness from someone like me, but Microsoft?!

Beware copywriters - there may be Shakespeareans among your target market. In the meantime, Microsoft would have better quoted Poe. He would have appreciated "Blue screen of death."

Something for the Search Engines...

2010-10-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

Actually, a fantastic stack of Sadvertising is within spitting range right now, but it's going to be a few days before it can be posted.

So, in order to keep my Google rankings higher than roast-beef flavored toothpaste, have a watch of this genius monstrosity.

"Share of mind" permanently, indelibly.

2010-09-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is taken from a Noble Roman's sell-sheet touting their food program for people wanting to get into the pizza and sub business.

Did you notice the generous serving of pepperoni on the pizza? Perhaps the attractive visi-cooler showing both pizza and sandwich? How about the pricing strategy - 2-fer $10.99 is an interesting upsell and 3.99 HAS to be competitive in the sub market.

Oh...and look at the header copy: "Award Winning!" and "Made Fresh Here Daily!" Excellent that the company has achieved notoriety for their food and the apparent commitment to quality

Yes. Yes! Noble Roman's appears to be doing their best to capture their share of a competitive market.

PS - I don't know about you, but there's something about Noble Roman's that scares the LIVING BEJEEBUS out of me.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

(deep breath)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Sweet jimminy, I'm glad I "just said No!" to that LSD offered to me on the school bus otherwise I'd probably be hanging on to the ceiling by my fingernails.

Drake goes for an untapped market.

2010-09-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is a screenshot of Drake University's home page. It touts their new marketing campaign promoting the "Drake Plus" advantage.

Obviously, high academic standards are not one of their advantages. In fact, Drake is content to say, "We're upper-below average."

And therein lies Drake's genius - going straight for the market that no other University has dared to target - under achievers. Of course, Drake's smart in going for the best of the underachievers - the solid D+'ers - but it's still a risky move because it assumes their market knows how to read.

However, I showed this to my kid and he uttered the catchphrase of today's youth, "FAIL!"

Thanks to the Sadvertising reader (an educator, no less) for letting me know.

NOTE - The frame below is also from their website. The copy HAS to be someone's idea of a last-day-on-the-job prank because it simply can't get any more upper below-average.

"Breaking through the box. Analyzing every angle.
Serving up a different point of view. It's what you do.
It's why you're not just thinking "a great education." That's a given.
No, you're looking for the + factor.
Welcome to Drake.
An experience where every single thing connects to who you are. And what you want tomorrow to be.
D+.
When it comes to choosing the college that fits you best, there's simply no higher grade."

Ladies. I simply had...no idea.

2010-08-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

This morning, I happened to look over my bride's shoulder as she thumbed through the week's stack of junk mail. To my surprise - shock - horror(?) she paused over a Target® coupon page that featured their "up&up" brand of tampons.

I saw the arrow pointing at the clutch-purse-case and gasped.

"Are those things THAT BIG?!?"

Sweet jimminy. Those up&up tampons are bigger than a Coney Island chili dog!

We men simply have no idea what you ladies go through. Again, I bow to my wife for her regal decorum and sheer ability to endure.

Or, the graphic designer was a guy.

Update: A Sadvertising reader just remarked that it took a bit of time to absorb this post. (knee slap) Funn-nEE!

Another update: A Sadvertising reader offered up a .jpg of the 40ct package. Man! That clutch is NFL regulation! "Hut! Hut! Girlfriend! Go long - this one's going up & up!"

Because you SHOULD, that's why.

2010-08-02T11:51:00.000-07:00

The billboard above is for a western Iowa hospital.

It's also an indicator that hospital marketing has entered a new phase of hubris, authority and...strangeness.

Maybe it's just me, but the masked 'caregiver' with the gothic eyeliner doesn't say "Mercy" at all. More like, "Dis vill make you TALK you enemy of ze STATE!" Or maybe remove my spleen, sew me up and leave me half-conscious in a Baja bar with a note pinned to my chest, "Warning. He has no spleen any more."

Regardless, the S-ad part of this billboard is the copy. "Is Mercy Your Hospital? It Should Be."

No discussion. No features. No benefits. No nuthin'. Just, "It Should Be."

Geez. That had to be a short brainstorming session, eh?

Yeah, as a medium, Billboards favor brevity. So, the Mercy Folk should have just stated, "Come here, not there."

Or maybe more appropriate, "Sick? Here."

YES! YOU! COULD!

2010-07-21T06:25:00.000-07:00

The above photo is a picture of a bag of "Scoops" snacks from the Frito Lay® corporation. It was sent in by a Sadvertising reader (release on file).

Let's just let it out; some lucky - damn lucky - soul out there is going to be a MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL GENERAL MANAGER for a whole WEEKEND!

Can you imagine!? The winner might get to negotiate with foodservice vendors, walk around the empty locker room (when no one's even there!) and order extra business cards!

"Mommy? Who's that mysterious man who just told that custodian to pick up the candy wrapper?"
"Hush child. That's the GM!"

I know the rejoinder I'm using at the dinner table tonight - "No we're not going to Mall! What do you think I am!? A MINOR LEAGUE GENERAL MANAGER?!"

Frito Lay® could have gone the extra light-year and offered the winner a shot at the MAJOR league spot, but in this economy, I reckon it's tough to budget for Tupperware bowls full of coke, private jets and stripper-fueled weekends at away-games.

I will tell ya this, though. When Target® offers the chance to be an Assistant Health & Beauty Manager for a Monday, I'm going to score AXE samples for all my friends. Every one!

And maybe some cadmium-free jewelry for the little lady waitin' back home. Yes-sir.

Thou shalt not necessarily believe in logos.

2010-07-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is the logo for American Atheists.

It's also a very clear example why there are logical steps to follow in this business that so-often gets tangled up in subjective, emotional thinking. Yeah, designing a new logo for a client is probably the Holy Grail of all work, "See that sign? It's MINE! Mwaaahahahaha!"

Logos are silly, fun, controversial...but there are rules to their creation.

Whether you believe in God or Not, graphic designers need to believe in basic Reason. Aside from appearing to be lifted from a DEVO album (ironically, they had an excellent sense for graphic design) the AA logo fairly states that their deity is the St. Louis arch and the Helium atom.

Some day, some Atheist family is going to show up at NASA on a Sunday morning and have their faith shattered when there's no carmel rolls or singing.

What appears to me is that the designer laid out a Christian crucifix, Jewish star-of-David, Muslim crescent and morphed them when the right answer was there all along...

nothing.

Be Prepared.

2010-07-13T06:54:00.000-07:00

The above screenshot is from a CNN story on a Facebook widget that allows Indian people to lighten the skin in their Facebook profile shots.

Never mind the fact that Vaseline is using this widget as a viral to promote their line of skin-lightening creams. However, it's nice to see that vanity is just as vacuous on the other side of the world.

What I find strange is the copy and slogan - "Transform your face on Facebook with Vaseline Men - Be Prepared."

I'm sure something is lost in translation here and from the copy. But do Indian men really want to look like sun-starved Brits?! If so, the first thing I'd suggest is to wipe that satisfied smile off the face of the model and replace it with a proper English scowl.

I'm also a little lost in the product name - "Vaseline Men." Clearly, I'm not a "Vaseline Guy." Frankly, I don't want to be. Nor have I been tempted. Ever. Now, Old Spice? Yeah. I even wore Aramis bronzer once (it was Halloween and I went as a Jersey Guido).

And, I'll go out on a limb and speak for approximately 90% of men and state that I've never heard anyone state or even hint that they wanted or needed Vaseline anything.

However, the strangest aspect of this s-ad is the slogan - "Be Prepared." Essentially, the slogan states this: Be ready to appear Caucasian.

Do I hear the clomp-clomp of jack-boots? Geez. All I can state is that I'd have had serious trouble working on this account. Or, I'd have gone the extra mile and branded Vaseline Men hair bleach and blue contact lenses.

PS- A sadvertising reader pointed out the Indian caste-system favors lighter skin. Still... Again, "Vaseline Men" remains a strange name and India should remember Michael Jackson in their prayers.

PPS - judging from the responses received, it seems the whole world wants to be white. Wow.

Need to reach YIA's? Buy TIME.

2010-07-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

The s-ad (new word!) above is from June 28, 2010 issue of TIME magazine. It's for Citi.

Just this morning, I read a magazine trade advert that touted the magazine's ability to reach certain markets deeper and more intentionally than other advertising mediums. Looking at the ad above, I'm fairly confident in the assertion that TIME magazine readers are stupid addicts.

Here's the headline: "I don't like getting charged overdraft fees. My coffee is expensive enough already."

Then there's the body copy: "The price on the menu read $3 but it read $38 on my bank statement. So I switched..." STOP.

In other words, Miss Withdrawal had less than $3 in her account and she still tried to get her Java On. Or, in OTHER words, another failure of our educational system is on the loose.

OR IN OTHER WORDS...

(Citi Marketing Department)

Executive: Jenkins! We need to grow business! Gimm'me a new market!
Assistant: Well, sir...there's the YIA's.
Executive: YIA? Sounds intriguing! Who are these YIA's??
Assistant: Young Irresponsible Addicts, sir.
Executive: Ah. Good. And how do we reach these YIA's?
Assistant: TIME Magazine, sir. I suggest front inside cover.

(slaps forehead)

Of course, Citi played it safe here - stupid people who spend money they don't have on stuff they don't need aren't likely to be insulted by the obvious. Or 18% interest charges.

OH!! And here's the kicker - the last line of copy reads - "So my coffee never costs a lot more than it should."

No, not a LOT more. Just more.

Sweet jimminy, I gotta get me a coffee shop.

Pretty-much sad...vertising.

2010-06-19T13:39:00.000-07:00

Last week, "the worst gig in advertising" came up in conversation and we all pretty much agreed that it'd be Yellow Pages sales.

But, they have a niche - people without computers or cell phones.

Gotta have a niche these days, eh?

Now THAT'S an attractive box!

2010-06-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

The ad above is for Orbit gum. It came from.... I can't recall right now. But that's not important.

Neither is that this ad is a thickly veiled poke at sex - there are at least three such references here. Yawn. What's truly sad here is that the ad is about...printing. Ink on stock, look-for-the-union label, take it to the die-cutter PRINTING.

(I'd insert crickets chirping here, but they've died of neglect.)

Sweet jimminy - are things so boring at the Wrigley Company that the ad people have to strap a corset on their spokesmodel to brag about the printing? Make no mistake about it - the compelling message here is that Orbit has a printed box. In this case, a green one with little scab-like things on it.

"Gary. What'cha chewin?"
"Orbit"
"Day-um! You must'a made sales quota this week! What's it like?!"
"Well, you know...(clears throat) they DO make an attractive box." (snicker)

Wait!

This just hit me. You don't think that Orbit customers were standing there in the C-store gum aisle, trying to figure out what to do with their box, do you?

"Wm Wrigley Customer Service, how may I help you?"
"I'm standin' here...wonderin'...like...what is this?!"
"It's our Outer Wrapper™! Remove it to find something surprising underneath!"

(crickets chirping...)

"Wow! Four color, two PMS colors and an emboss!"
"Surprised?"
"Hell yeah!"
"Tell your friends about our box,'k?"
"oooooh yeah..."

The Mother of Invention.

2010-06-04T05:46:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is for the "Easy-Out" eyeball repositioning tool. Now you know: there's enough of a market 'out there' for a company to market a gizmo that allows doll lovers to change/reposition their toy's plastic eyes. Free-enterprise is a powerful force, eh?

However.

You know...I'm sitting here...trying hard to write...but something about that photo just keeps distracting me...

Ok. I figured it out. It's the brilliant way the Art Director has us notice the company - "Bloomers*n*Bows." I'd have never thought to use a one-eyed mutant baby to call out the company logo, that's for sure.

But, to quote a client, "That sure makes the ad 'Pop!' doesn't it?"

(sigh)

I'm not THAT comfortable.

2010-05-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

Every ad agency has this story - someone walks in with The Greatest Thing Ever!

And the conundrum begins:

Do you take their money? (and your kids get to eat)

or...

Send them to the competing agency down the street (and your kids get to make fun of their kids during recess).

You decide.

Butt...one thing has me thinking. The video states that "Comfort Wipe" is the first improvement in Wiping Technology (WT) since the 1880s.

Maybe they're right. Grandma always talked about how valuable "that old Sears Catalog" was back in the outhouse. Too bad all we have today is Direct Mail postcards.

And those postcards are not good. Not good at all.

Ha ha. "Potty Humor" is officially banned for the rest of 2010.

Still #1 in fresh breath.

2010-05-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

This really isn't "sadvertising," but it still fits.

The scan above is the overwrap from Delta Airline's amenities bag listing Contents and Country-of-Origin.

As "amenity bags" go, it's a Beaut! The socks are especially nice with little rubber grippers for, presumably, when the airplane's in a 90 degree bank and one still needs to walk up to the "labratory." (as my middle child used to call it.)

Let's see... Reading down the list, China, China, China, China, China, China, China - OH! Greek lotion!! Italian lip balm, China, Thai toothpaste (!) Chinese ear plugs...but!

Wait!

There's Good Ol' Uncle Sam making a play at the mint market. Damn! Nothing like genuine American breath mints.

Now, I know America is focused on too many more important things than manufacturing the paltry contents of a silly little freebie. After all, it's just stuff, right? Plus, the Greeks are legendary for their lotion, right?

But I'm wondering. Are American mints so good China simply can't compete or could it possibly be that an American company figured out a way to out-cheap China...?

I wonder if, 50 years from now, a Chinese businessman is sitting in First Class eating Chateaubriand, sipping Bordeaux casually reading the origin-source of the amenity bag...

United States, United States, United States, United States, United States, United States, China, United States...

I hope the Thai's still have the toothpaste market though.

No. Please DON'T set your sights.

2010-05-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

The photo above is a billboard from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. It's promoting the "Opener" of the Sioux Falls Pheasants - a minor league baseball team.

For the unenlightened, Pheasants - a game bird noted for being colorful and tasty - are a big part of the South Dakota's tourist income. Hunters flock to the state from all over the world in the hopes of experiencing Pheasant hunting at its world-class best.

So, I can see how it falls to mind to honor the bird by naming the local ball club, "Sioux Falls Pheasants."

But what doesn't make sense is this billboard. "Set Your Sites" it states, next to the smoking end of a shotgun barrel.

Hmmm.

Naming the local team after a game bird that's seasonally shot & eaten for sport is one silly bit of logic but this billboard fairly asks for mayhem.

"Ladies and gentlemen...NNNoooowwwWWW annnnnnnouncing! The SURVIVING LINEUP of the SOoooOOO FALLLlllLLSSS PHEASANTS!!! (cue organ music, crowd cheers, shotgun blasts...

....ambulance wailing...

...kids screaming...

drunk guys hollering, "Ah gaht one! Ah gaht one!"

Well isn't this just about the most disturbing thing...

2010-04-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Yeaaahhhh. Riiiight.

Well, THANK YOU VERY MUCH mister 1950s Art Director. It looks like we'll be seeing ANOTHER warning label on packaging...

Sienna - the Minivan for MEN! DAMMIT!

2010-04-26T19:25:00.000-07:00

The ad above is for the Toyota Sienna minivan.

What happened at Toyota? They used to make reliable, well-made cars suited for sensible citizens.

"Wow, Gary. That white Camry looks nice!"

"Yep. It's got a sun roof, too."

"Wow. Open it once, 'k?"

"Sure!"

Then, someone in the Brand Department must have decided to add a little "edge" and soon, Toyota was accelerating down the fast track to...this.

The hip slogan (in hipply understated typography) reveals the target audience - frustrated male minivan drivers. The New Sienna Minivan. Daddy Like.

"Daddy Like." Ah, dad. Slopped forehead, hairy knuckles, monosyllabic. Definitely a Neanderthal. Only three things on dad's mind - beer, mom and, "GAWDDAMMIT! GET YOUR SH*T OFF MY (@*#$& LAWN!"

Hence the headline, "Anger Management."

Now, Toyota mitigates the Male Driver temper by putting a camera that sees THAT GAWDAMN (@*#&$! FENCE! or SWEET JEBUS ON A @(*&$#~! STICK WHO PUT THE TRASH CAN THERE?!?!

Boy, I bet the family's happy now.

"Mom? Why does daddy swear so much? Is it because he got passed over for The Promotion again?"

"Hush hush! We can barely afford this lease as it is!"

Thanks for thinking about Us Men, Toyota.

Now fix your @#(*$&#@! gas pedals so they don't kill anymore people.

Assholes.

Just buy it.

2010-04-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

The scan above is an insert that appeared in (I think) the recent Woman's Day magazine for Marcal brand recycled paper products.

Did you ever see the movie "A Christmas Story"? Though the film is basically one brilliant scene after another, one of the stellar moments is when the little boy finally receives his Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring and discovers that his heroine is really a marketing farce.

"Be sure to...drink...your OVALTINE!?"

Yeah. We all laughed. Those Ovaltine bastards, charming a kid with the lure of drama and intrigue only to find out it was all sadvertising.

Well, the subliminal Sadvertising forces drew me to this one like a wasp to orange soda. Maybe it was the "100% Free" headline, maybe it was the photo of the suspiciously Satisfied Guy. Whatever. The BS Meter was in full-on Berzerker mode from first glance.

The Satisfied Guy is none other than Tim Spring, CEO of Marcal company. He's an "Avid Hiker and Conservationist." He's also rather brazen for 'one of them-there nature people.'

The quote: "If everyone buys just one roll of our paper products by Earth Day, we would help save 1 million trees."

Is that all it'll take? Just buy? JUST BUY? EVERYONE?!

Why didn't he just write:

"If everyone BUYS just one roll of MY paper products by Earth Day, I can go hiking and conserving in Patagonia with the Bambi Twins."

Yeah, yeah - I saw the Freebie offer and really, it became null and void as soon as Mr. Tim's goofy quote registered. And the million trees is ridiculous because there's no way to know exactly how many "everyone" really is.

No matter. The brand name is called "Small Steps." Geez. I wonder what Tim's got up his sleeve for when he's ready to take bigger steps - maybe he'll have goons in dark glasses slapping black police batons at the paper aisle end-caps?

"Hey. Lady. Buy this. Doooo it."

Written with Real Fruitiness-ness.

2010-03-19T12:42:00.000-07:00

The ad above was placed by Kellogg's for it's Pop•Tarts® snack-things. It's in this month's Family Circle.

The Art Direction here is rather good. It caught my bloodshot eye anyway. I bet it gets almost as much attention as "What your refrigerator says about your sex life" and "Ten ways to feed your family for less than a dollar a day."

However, notice the headline. Now, everyone knows that Pop•Tarts are about as nutritious as white bread dipped in Vodka. So when I read, "Baked with real fruit" my BS meter started gurgling. And sure enough, there at the bottom ('cuz Kelloggs is big enough to have lawyers on staff) was the clue - a disclaimer.

Here it is:

*Filling made with equal to 10 percent fruit.

Read it again. Now read it again. Ok, one more time.

You're confused aren't you. Go ahead admit it - there are religious prophecies worded with greater clarity than that. And after reading the disclaimer, the headline takes on a whole new meaning - "Baked WITH real fruit" could mean that Kellogg's pulled an office chair next to the assembly line, set an apple on it and called it Truth.

See, Kelloggs could have written, "Fruit filling contains 10% fruit." or in the case that each flavor had a different percentage for fruit (as if Wild Grape would have wild grapes anywhere, anyway) "Fruit content may vary."

But no, they wrote: Filling made with equal to 10 percent fruit.

It's like they're referring to some other ethereal substance that is not fruit but can be equated with fruit. At least 10% of fruit. Ack. My head hurts.

Whatever, Kellogg's slogan is "Made for Fun®" Well, maybe made for equal to 10 percent fun. More or less. Sort of.

Leaving tracks.

2010-03-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

The picture above is the lid from a container of Blue Bunny ice cream. Blue Bunny ice cream is pretty good ice cream. Of course, even bad ice cream is pretty good. Unless its meatloaf ice cream. That's not so good. But anyway...

"Bunny Tracks®" ice cream, as a flavor, is pretty good. It's got, "Vanilla Flavored Ice Cream with Thick Fudge and Peanut Butter Caramel Ribbons, Chocolate Covered Peanuts and Peanut Butter Filled Chocolate Bunnies."

So why give it a poopy name? And I suspect last-day-on-the-job art direction.

I'll assume the brown smear across the mound of ice cream is the Bunny Track? If it is, that bunny has dysentery and shouldn't be anywhere near food. Or maybe those lumps are the Bunny Tracks®...if so, I bet that bunny can run a heck of a lot faster now that it's dropped 10% of its body weight on the spoon.

Being fair, cutting through product clutter is a roll of the dice. The reward of success is like Vegas - big enough to try, but the last statistic I read on new-product introductions is that 19 out 20 fail. Even understanding that Bunny Tracks is probably a promotion product, scatological tactics are a sign that something in the Creativity Department needs to be flushed.

Even stranger is that Personals - the brand line for this particular product - appears to be aimed at women. Maybe I'm hangin' with the wrong group of gals, but they don't find dookie appealing at all.

"Bunny Tracks is Sadvertising for the the same reason Boeing doesn't name its passenger airplanes "Lawn Dart" or Estee Lauder doesn't sell "Meatloaf" perfume.

Geez. Rocky Road sounds rather upscale about now.

UPDATE: Two Sadvertising readers have responded - one said SHE almost bought some for her husband. Then another let me know about Pig Trail ice cream. I'd imagine Pig Trails are somewhat more substantial than Bunny Trails.

You say Bologna, I say Ralph.

2010-02-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

The scan above is an ad for Oscar Mayer Bologna. "Beef" bologna to be precise.

Ahh. Bologna. The first true, authentic "Mystery Meat." What gives bologna its pinkish, gelatinish, meat-like substance? Or the ability to remain fresh months, years...decades after being exposed to the elements?

You don't know, do you! Ha. Me neither.

Back in my latch-key days, buddy Dave proclaimed, "Hey! I can make boloney taste good!" Of course, being 12 and fascinated with things like UFO's, Bigfoot and other impossibles, said, "WOW!" And, he showed me.

His secret? Fry it! Dave flapped down a slice of the stuff on a hot frying pan - SSSSS! The fat bubbled off and left behind a maroon disk about the size of a can of chewing tobacco. And...it was good! Yum, yum - we went through the whole pack. Sssss! Gulp, ad nauseum.

We were 12, young and still thought flatulence was funny. But just because we were dolts didn't mean we were stupid. See, had we seen the slogan, "It doesn't get better than this" even in our juvenile minds, we would have smelled "Bull."

Does Oscar Mayer really think this ad will take parents back to the Good Old Days?! And the body-copy: "Our bologna has 75% less sugar than a PB&J (provided the Bologna sandwich is made w/Fat-Free Mayo*)" is about six inches away from Budweiser launching an ad campaign that claims "Days begin with Carbohydrates!"

But, the goofy headline wasn't what caught my eye.

It was the kid puking in the bag.

Psssst. Mom. You have to fry the hell out of it first.

*Yeah, like any kid is going to think, "Yay! Mom made my sandwich with fat-free mayonnaise again! Maybe that's why he's throwing up?"

The Dodge Charger - for the man who has nothing.

2010-02-10T18:55:00.001-08:00

Geez - the automotive sadvertising is in full-blow these days.

Watch the spot, but here's my new slogan:

Dodge Charger. The car for castrated men.

Someone's dating the Account Executive.

2010-02-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

The spot above is the "Green Police" ad for Audi. It aired during the Super Blow.

The Super Blow is an erupting pustule on the butt of the advertising industry for one reason - because of it's "Lookie!" culture, advertising is reduced to mere product porn, hoodwinking clients that "share of mind" is just like "dollars in the bank."

Anyway, the above ad for Audi is proof. In case you don't want to watch it, here's the scoop: In the near future, we'll live under the thumb of "Green Police" who watch our every move, arresting us for eco-unfriendly activities like using incandescent bulbs, hot hot tubs and not recycling banana peels.

However, Audi diesel owners will get along just fine in this Dystopian world because their car is "Green Police" friendly. In fact, the environmental overlords will smile upon Audi's good citizenship.

The message: Audi owners will thrive in this new authoritarian state, handing over their free will to those who know how to run our lives best.

Power to the people, the only color of Audi I see is NAZI RED. And what of the current fleet on the road? Will they suddenly be rounded up in an automotive Kristallnacht and sent off to out-of-the-way smelters?

This ad was so dumb - and for a German car company no less.

Or else, the ad agency Account Executive was really, really hot and soooo Kalifornia.

Me? I know what I'm drivin'...700 Horses and powered by the ultra-refined power of 100% Blue Whale oil.

Hey. Nice sperm.

2010-02-03T19:24:00.000-08:00

The scan above is from a recent SkyMall™ catalog showing the "Gravity Defyer®" shoes. I've been watching this company advertise their wares for years - the original ad containing the company founder rocketing on his shoes remain as Classic in my book.

In fact, the Rocket ShoeMan is still in the ad - notice the little figure on top of the black shoe.

But that's not the point of this post. The point here is the strange choice of a Sperm as a logo.

Right now, I'm working hard to get my head around how a SPERM would ever make itself a choice for a shoe logo. Here. YOU try it...

(tick tock tick tock)

Ha! You're just as stumped, aren't you!

I'm not the sharpest tack on the floor, but I'm fairly confident that Sperm isn't showing up on anyone's Focus Group about footwear.

"Can you make those loafers a little more...you know...spermy?"

In fact, I can't think of ANYTHING that would remind me of or I would associate with SPERM other than...sperm.

There's a back-story here. I don't want to know. But if the guy's going to start marketing Soccer Balls under the Ovum brand, it'll all make sense and I'll delete this post.

NOTE: I am aware of all the hysterical puns that could be ejaculated into this post. Ha. Ha. I will refrain and rise above such sophomoric humor.

Note: Ha. It took a whole 4 minutes for a Sadvertising reader to make their own funny - he wrote that he's laid up from surgery and wouldn't wear these shoes because of his limp. (oy vey).

Caress...and smash.

2010-01-27T16:31:00.000-08:00

The scan above is an ad for Caress "Skinwear." I tore it out of...I think...Redbook? It doesn't matter. What matters is the way the ad bent my eye.

Yeah yeah - snicker snicker. Bah. 'Don't mean nuthin' - naked people in ads is soooo 1990s.

I just want to know - Who's leg is that?

Either she wasn't alone in that photo shoot or the Art Director had a spare leg laying around that he/she insisted on throwing in the shot.

Or she's part Octopus.

"It's a leg!"

Dumb on Arrival.

2010-01-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

The photo above is an airport ad near Concourse C of the Minneapolis airport. I would have missed it in my hurried scamper if it weren't for the astonished cackle of a (very) pretty mom pointing, "That's stupid!"

I had to stop and look. At the ad.

Was it the burger? Well, of course no real burger looks as towering and mighty as the photo-model, but certainly photographic deceit is nothing notable. The fries? Actually they looked rather good in real life. How about...the Coke? No. Not the Coke. Though the stuff may turn children into walruses it's not inherently a stupid mixture.

Hmmm. Noticing that I'd stopped, she pointed again, "Look! It says 'Appetites departing ahead!' At least they gave us a warning!" She laughed again, collected her kids and shooed them forward. "See what happens when you don't study grammar? That's why mom always tells you to..."

Oh well. Maybe they pass out barf bags in case your appetite departs mid-meal?

The Greatest.

2009-11-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

Viral? Sincere? No matter. This is the greatest commercial ever made. It is not sadvertising.

The only thing greater than this man and his vision is the idea that a GPS unit could be sewed into his scalp so all good Advertising Professionals can locate him and pray in his direction. Four times a day. More frequently, if we want any hope for redemption at all.

I will worship from afar. His greatness would probably atomize me in an effortless, single moment if I got any closer than...say...30 miles.

Which is a good thing as I hope to never do business with him anyway.

Save HUGE money.

2009-11-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

The scan above is of a ToysRUs flier that we got in the paper.

Money's a little tight this year. But, with "up to $5,500 in savings," we're feeling much better about moving forward on that solid gold Lego® set and 10ct Diamond Barbie® for Christmas.

We've always tried our best to indulge our kids NOW because who knows?! Some day, a stronger, more disciplined and forward-thinking power might rise up and subject us all to a life of subservitude. Boy, I can tell you this, we're all going to be hugely happy, huddled around the barrack fire, warming our gruel, reminiscing about the good ol'days when it took 3 whole days to unwrap our presents...

No, seriously, I showed this to my wife and she was rather happy because the savings justified renting that 3rd pickup truck for when we're going shopping next week.

Ok. Ok. Kidding aside. Say you don't spend near enough at ToysRUs to warrant $5,500 in discounts. Say you spend...maybe only enough to save two, three grand in discounts. Geez. Every little bit helps, right?

"Honey! I had a great day shopping at ToysRUs! I saved $2,500 on toys for Cindy and Larry!"

(sniff sniff) Do I smell another Stimulus Check coming?!?

"Yahoooooooooooooooooo!"

2009-10-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

A Sadvertising reader clued me into this banner ad that greets Yahoo.com email users. Go ahead and click on the image to enlarge the view...

Anyway, the copy urges us to, "Stay connected to friends and family. See how."

Judging by the expression on the young man's face, the "connection" appears to be either painful or soberingly awkward.

Let's just hope that woman represents the foxy Cougar lunch lady and not Good Ole' Mom cuz if it IS, mom's going somewhere where she probably won't have a lot of email access.

YahooOOOO!

Why, it really IS OUTRAGEOUS!

2009-10-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is from an Iowa bank chain's "viral" website - www.outrageousnow.com.

The website - and supporting billboards & TV - tout "outrageous" things like the world record for throwing cow poop and the number of teeth in a shark's mouth. The line of thought is supposed to lead to this fact: MetaBank also provides OUTRAGEOUS services.

Funnn-NEE! Why slapper-doodle dandy, that's a real hoot'n holler!

But for the rest of us who remember the Banking crisis of, oh, A FEW MONTHS AGO, where the government had to bail out a bunch of banks for OUTRAGEOUS management, "Outrageous" and "Banking" are like 2+2 = 3.

In the meantime, in an industry that - like it or not - is founded on TRUST, cowpies, sharks and outrageous business practices are really outrageous ideas to build an ad campaign upon.

Why squirrels shouldn't be allowed on photo shoots.

2009-10-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

The picture above is of a scan of Thermal Underwear I bought last week.

I won't write much about this because the question is simple - is that a squirrel (or similarly sized mammal*) or a tumor?

Maybe I'm just not clued into the ways and wiles of how to sell Thermal Underwear because I look and think, "Geez. Gross."

But then again...I bought them.

YIKES!

*Or a manimal?!

Wow. Nice car. (yawn) snore

2009-10-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

The ad above was torn from the back of a recent edition of Car & Driver magazine. Though I think it's supposed to represent the design prowess of Infinity Cars, I suspect it's more indicative that the leadership has fallen asleep at the wheel...

Everything about this ad - and I mean everything - reeks of a funeral. Black. More black. "Mr. Takashi Nakajima" looks like he's about ready to say, "I am so, so sorry about your loss. Please sign the guest book, refreshments are near the exit..."

But the kicker is the comatose copy. The dominant words are EMOTION and FALLS. Say it together now...

What?! Design a sexy rev'em up concept car and the best the art director can do is boldly claim that EMOTION FALLS?! Well, one look at "Mr. Takashi Nakajima" and eyelids fall right along with the poorly placed type.

I didn't have the energy to check what resolution I scanned this yawner, but in case it's low rez, some of the body copy:

"Simple yet complex, elegant yet dynamic, the Essence perfectly balances the mechanics of technology with the fluidity of nature. As Mr. Nakajima likes to put it, "It is everything I want, nothing I don't.'"

Hmmm. Must have been Friday because the copywriter shamelessly pulled the old trick of comparing stink with rot. "Honey, your meatloaf was subtle yet overpowering. Common, but wholly unique. It was a meal I hoped for yet didn't want."

Oh geez. They should have written "SEX" into the side of the car with a finger dipped in peanut butter and called it "subliminal sensuality."

Well, I guess we know what the funeral is for - the car's SOUL. But it sounds like Infinity didn't want that in the first place.

Sweet Jimminy! I get it now! They're going after the well-heeled Zombie Market!

(Yawn). Time to hit the hay and dream of Mazdas. Zoom! Zoom!

Blame the Ad Man.

2009-09-18T09:05:00.001-07:00

The above ad is for Lysol® disinfectant, circa 1948. Go ahead. Click on it. Read it. And if you're a man, be prepared to think deeply. This might sting.

You know, back in the day, we (guys) had it pretty good. We had our meals made for us, houses clean & sparkly, we positively owned anything mechanical (i.e. the cars)...heck, we even smoked pipes in the living room.

Then, the Women's Movement came along. We had to cook. We had to clean. She learned to drive... and Borkum Riff began ruining her drapes.

And today? Why, just last week, I painted my youngest's nails and did I draw a little smiley face on her pinky? You bet I did. Did I erase it and start over when she started to cry (because it looked icky!)? You bet I did. Eventually, I got it right, too. Sigh.

How did Man-ness lose all that we had so naturally reigned o'er?

I blame the Bubba who wrote this ad. He's the one. The finger on the Tipping Point that sent all of Male Domination cowering in "Yes, dear!"

You know, Advertising People need to be certified. Licensed. And stupid ideas? They should be a crime. You KNOW that a smoky board room of gut-busting buddies thunk up the idea of injecting caustic chemicals into a birth canal as a way to "increase business around here!"

Boneheads.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back...but I can't.

Instead, I'll just wait out the day when our Female Overlords inevitably get fat, lazy and overconfident... let's hope some adWOMAN doesn't decide that a hot wax depilatory will cure jock itch.

Postscript: Check out the line, "...restore everyone woman's confidence in her power to please." Geez. I feel like I just read a charming Children's Story written by Hitler.

Note: A Sadvertising reader estimated the proper dilution of Lysol to be about 1 Tablespoon per 55 gallon drum. If he's right, a bottle of Lysol given at graduation should last right up until menopause. Give or take.

2009-09-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

The ad above arrived in today's paper.

People have been marveling at baby's butts for years. Personally, every experience I've ever had with the things have been awful, but that's just because I'm one of those post-modern, dutiful dads who believe in sharing the load as a parent.

Now, I "get" the idea that once clean, disinfected and dried, their little bums are smooth. "Awww. Aren't they so CUUUTE!?!?"

But that's not the point of this post. Pay note to the headline: "Clinically proven to give you skin that rivals your baby's bottom."

Clinically PROVEN. As in, data. Scientific-like. White lab coats. Clipboards. Baby butts. People making notes. And a pointy-faced scientist with one glove on a lil'patootie and the other on some woman's cheek, shouting to his assistants, "MORE TESTS! WE NEED PROOF!"

And while we're flushing the poor copywriter's work down the toilet, what does "...rival..." mean?

"Honey?"

"Yeah?"

"You know when I kissed your cheek this morning?"

"Yeah?"

"It rivaled a...BUTT!" (suppressed laughter, erupting into knee-slapping guffaws).

I tell ya, once they were potty trained, the days around our house went a little smoother.

Cuz! That's why!

2009-08-31T15:06:00.000-07:00

The scan above is of the BACKSIDE of a package of Gillette Mach 3 blades. There. Now you have a glimpse into my toiletries.

Flipping the pack over, I read the back copy and was rather surprised to find the Gillette company eager to jar my Mach 3 loyalties with a front-and-center ad for their 5 blade Fusion™.

It's shameless, obviously pointed at the more expensive, profitable upsell - nothing wrong with that. It's the American way.

However, do you notice the question, "Why is Fusion better than MACH3?"

Why, it should be obvious - according to Gillette, it's "8 years of shaving innovation."

Hmmm. That's one step above, "Cuz." Definitely better than, "Uh." About on par with, "It's got a cool rubber thingy on the end!"

Looking at the line another way, say I create a dynamic new product - like, a Toast Sharpener - and you ask me, "Why do I need this?" And I say, "8 years of toasting innovation!"

Gillette's slogan is "The Best a Man Can Get." Is bush-league salesmanship the best Gillette can get?!

Kids these days - they get their first whiskers and think they're copywriters.

Our Polish brothers

2009-08-26T03:45:00.000-07:00

The graphic above was taken from Foxnews.com - it shows a photo used on Microsoft's websites - one in the US, the other, Poland's.

I missed the scoop of this story by about 5 minutes - basically forever - so I'm not going to try and elaborate on the obvious.

But, I'm actually liking the white guy better. I think he says, "Hey! Let's get out the Nerf™ guns after the meeting, 'k?!" He's just happy to have a job and is probably doodling the Microsoft logo on his new note pad. And writing "Cool!" and "She is so HAWT!!" in the margins.

The black guy is just too corporate. He just jotted, "Downsize IT by 23%, tomorrow."

The full graphics are below:

And my version:

Oh! So they're a PROFIT DEAL!

2009-07-22T15:49:00.001-07:00

The graphic above is a scan of a direct mail card for the "Apple Tree Children's Centers" in South Dakota.

The copy invites us to "...come see why your friends and neighbors choose Apple Tree..." and goes on to offer us $10 for "ice cream treats" after we've taken a tour.

"Ten bucks?!" you exclaim!

Sweet jimminy - if the Apple Tree folk are right, $10 is just the beginning because - and this comes from the first line of copy - "Your children are your most valuable investment."

(time machine way-back sfx) dooodleoodledoodleoodle

I remember when our first came into the world - looking at that squigling, wriggling bundle of cells, the first tender cry, bewildered eyes, tiny clenched fists... but I don't remember, "Honey! We have an investment!"

I could be wrong in my cynicism. Look at the success of the Lohans, the Spears and the Jacksons. They made gajillions! Obviously, their investment paid off.

"Honey, how did Suzie do today?"

"Well, she's up two and quarter, but overall down from yesterday's high of fifteen."

"Dangit! I'm not pumping another dime of ice cream into that investment until it turns around!"

"Maybe we diversify and get a dog?"

Power to the People.

2009-07-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

Short story - United Airlines broke his guitar, he had witnesses...

and got a middle-management runaround resulting in nothing.

This guy is could be the Che Guevara of the airline industry.

He's also a brilliant marketer.

Invasion of the Bubble People

2009-07-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is a screenshot of the Purell hand sanitzer's website.

Of course, you notice the little guy with the booger blow. Having a bit of experience with situations as shown, I know what comes next - wiping of the goopy hands on pants and hair, then spilling of the milk and holding up arms for a hug.

Kids can be gross.

But snotty children don't qualify as "sadvertising" - Purell's crappy slogan does. "Imagine a Touchable World."

Say it again - "Imagine. A. Touchable. World."

Well, it's come to this - we're now a creation of phobes, so imprisoned by our fears that our best life comes from imagining existence without filth. Especially the skin burning, plague inducing, lethal boogers of little kids.

Child to Parent (speaking through a hermetically sealed glass partition): "Mommy? What was life like before we became safely sealed in our Purell® tanks?"

Parent to Child: "Well dear, we were surrounded by things. Horrible, untouchable things!"

Sweet Jimminy...and then, Pfizer (Purell's mothership) has the gall to give us 99 reasons to use their deadly goo. Click this post's headline for the whole list - don't miss #53 medicine balls (they're dripping with irony, you know) Or #81 school bus seats...yeah, that'll work - slather cooling, fuming Purell on our kids' pants.

And #96 - tickets. A friend of was given tickets to see Celine Dion...and threw up. I guess he didn't use enough Purell. Thank you, Purell. Next school carnival, we'll just carry a bucket of Purell® to splash the kids when they win big at ring-toss.

This type of goofy fear-baiting is the real filth here.

Interesting fact: Pfizer® manufactures Sinequan®, a drug used to treat Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Brilliant, actually.

Hmmm. Right now, I'm imagining a world that embraces OCD as a natural talent and the Chosen Ones can be productive in society, keeping our tickets and medicine balls squeeky clean.

Microsuck.

2009-07-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

Microsoft won't really be serious about bringing truly clever advertising until it incorporates the "pull-my-finger-while-I-fart" joke into a campaign.

That'd REALLY be great.

Anyway, nice job, Apple. Great spot.

Yet ANOTHER man enters the frame...

2009-06-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is from CNN.com's website and advertises more news regarding Michael Jackson's "death."*

But this post isn't about Michael, his bulldog-faced dad or Rev. Jesse. It's about "another man" - the nameless guy in the middle.

It's sad, really...when you're posing between two legendary publicity hounds and the largest news distributor in the world won't even get your name. "Another man..." I bet he's walking in the front door, head hanging low, thinking of all the millions he COULD have had. Hmmm. I also bet his wife is standing in the kitchen, arms folded, growling, "Get back out there and don't come back until you get us a Reality Show!"

Poor dude. And it looks like he was so ready for the moment - shades, open collar, great-looking blazer...Oh well. Back to whatever "another man" was doing last week before his big break came and went.

*Why the quotation marks? Well for one, The Gloved One's star just got an obvious boost. But I'm holding out the crazy notion that somewhere, he's sitting at a Burger King with whatever's left of his fortune in his pocket, reading classified ads for home-employment in Thailand.

BREAKING NEWS! A Sadvertising reader JUST stated that "another man" could be Michael Jackson's REAL killer!

Sweet Jimminy! This could be huge!! You heard it here first, folks!!

Update: Two hours later, we get a NEW POSE, but the same old "another man." What the heck is Jesse staring at, anyway?

I want to see them all doing the moonwalk.

Is your wife dry and lifeless?

2009-05-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

The above ad is from my stack of old Life magazines...for the life of me, I forgot which one.

Anyway, back in my Man Classes I remember when the instructor - Sylvester Stalone, btw - warned us about women who let their skin get dry, leathery and reptilian. He basically told us to get out, then and there.

"Keep checking that skin!" he warned. "Once middle-age comes around, it can go bad in a heart beat."

I have a buddy who makes a good living as a Divorce Lawyer - since I read this ad, I now understand why he uses "Palmolive!" as a curse word.

Not that I'd know - my bride works hard to keep her skin saturated and animated. Like she should. But I did accidently brush a middle-aged woman at the grocery store - left me with a nasty scrape and a trip for a tetanus booster. Sweet Jiminy, it felt just like falling down on the sidewalk.

She wore a wedding ring - poor guy.

Not every itch needs to be scratched

2009-05-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

The graphic above is the cover of the book, "Knitting with Dog Hair."

It was given to me by my allergist. It's produced by the people who make Claritin. Ha ha. Just kidding. But the book's for real.

Have to give the author credit for "thinking outside the box." But who wants a coat that attracts cockleburs and ticks? And what about getting caught in the rain? I can imagine walking in the entryway and feeling the urge to shake the water off. Geez, and I bet it'd smell just like a wet...dog.

But, I'm open minded. I wonder, if I had a dog sweater, would I want to chase cars?

Requiem for Direct Mail.

2009-05-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

The above is a scan of a Direct Mail piece for a local chiropractor.

The copy tells the tale of a woman concerned with her daughter's migraines. The copy also tells the tale of a crappy copywriter who believes this chiropractor's audience has the IQ of a worm (worms are spineless, ha ha ha).

Here it is:

"...She was suffering from an excrutiating migraine. She was vomiting, experiencing blindness and numbness so I called the emergency room..."

Ok. I'm with the story. Drama, urgency...I'll keep reading.

"...but by mistake dialed the wrong number. On the other end was a chiropractor..."

Sweet jiminy. Missing 9-1-1 and getting a chiropractor?!? The writer might as well have written that on the other end, Jesus answered the phone and he was riding a rainbow colored unicorn. Wait. It gets worse. Better. Whatever.

"I almost hung up, but I was ready to try almost anything so I set an appointment."

AN APPOINTMENT. You know, if my daughter is vomiting, blind and numb, and I call up ER and get a "chiropractor" I am not going to dink around and set a freaking APPOINTMENT. I'm going to hang up and bang 9 1 1 1 1 1 until the ambulance arrives.

The saddest thing about this shlock is that the chiropractor who paid for this tripe also authorized this tripe. And that makes this particular piece of Direct Mail, truly Sadvertising.

And the crappy 80's clip-art models are wearing clothes cut from lousy waiting-room furniture. Probably the chiropractor's.

Shmuck. Junk mail like this makes me sad. I know where it comes from - some faceless direct mail service that targets niche markets with promises like "$99 for 1000 pieces!" and "Average rate of response, 34% - pays for itself immediately!" Bah. Half tempted to call the chiropractor and ask, "Is this really, truly representative of YOU?!"

Hope he still has his furniture.

Forced sterility.

2009-04-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

The photo above is of a pack of Eclipse cinnamon mints my daughter insisted upon at the grocery store. It was only after we got in the car that I noticed it contained the same promise as Lysol® disinfectant - notice the arced type, "Natural Germ Killing".

Sweet Jimminy - ten years ago, I predicted little pills that would turn human flatulence into wafts scented with designer fragrances. "Honey, did you start wearing Chanel No.5?"

But never did I figure that Modern Marketing™ would figure on "germ killing" as a product attribute for a checkout aisle breath mint. Yeah, yeah - halitosis is caused by bacteria. But any 13 year old will tell you that the human body is rife with lil'critters and short of cremation, the condition can't be helped.

But (and there's always a 'But' at the end) the "germ killing" power of new Eclipse mints is Natural, as opposed to UNnatural, which would be more like gargling with napalm.*

I hope the jump from "anti bacterial" to foodstuffs stops at Eclipse mints. But, we'll know we're in for the long haul when Jack Daniels comes with a sticker that says, "Kills germs on contact!"

*Ok, everything is technically Natural. Napalm is solidly comprised of organic compounds and could therefore be legitimately marketed as natural.

100% Natural Germ Killing Napalm - Sounds nice, doesn't it?

UPDATE: Wait. Swine Flu is a "Germ". Let the hoarding begin - these little suckers might end up being $100 a tin if things get worse!

If you make a claim, be the KING.

2009-04-24T10:10:00.001-07:00

The photo above was provided by a Sadvertising reader (x'd to protect his innocence). He discovered the KISS restaurant CHAIN while on holiday in the Phillipines.

On a purely serious, erudite and academic note, the developing world is full of quirky misuse of the Universal and Omniscient Language of English. Though asking for "Flied Lice" at a Chinese restaurant will likely always be hugely funny, stuff like "KISS - King of Balls" is...well, I wouldn't be surprised if the chain is owned by some Harvard MBA who fancies him/herself a whiz at branding.

"Funny. (yawn, take the pic). Let's go to McDonalds."

What I don't get is the logo. Something about that asymmetric crown didn't make sense until I tilted... those aren't balls that have been kissed - they're balls that have been SMACKED!

Bureaucracy. Suddenly EVERYONE wants one.

2009-04-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

The above photo is of my kids' toothbrush. It's a parting gift after paying the dentist seven gajillion dollars to remove two teeth.

I shouldn't complain - the toothbrush was "free" and all that. But the imprinting is nothing less than weird.

"From Your District Dental Society."

Oh yeah! MY District Dental Society! And not just the local chapter or some rank-and-file member, but the District!

'Been wonderin' just what in Hades they were up to - lying low, sifting plans, waiting for the right time to make their move...

Suddenly, it seems that every governing body out there has been flexing muscle, showing their teeth. I'm going to watch this "District Dental Society" a little closer. Today the Toothbrush, Tomorrow, white-coated Commissars in every neighborhood "encouraging" us to keep our appointments...

In the meantime, I wish I could remember the name of that dentist who took my last seven gajillion dollars.

Kids are different today.

2009-04-13T18:18:00.001-07:00

The above ad is from a 1943 edition of Popular Science magazine. It's for "Douglas Shoes - America's Best Known Shoes."

Those were the days, eh?

Here's the headline: A Little Boy's Dream Came True

Here's the inset copy: "When he was only 7 years old, William L. Douglas was "bound out" to his uncle, a shoe maker. Day after day, he pegged shoes in a shadowy attic. It was hard, technical work but he stuck to it..."

Stop there. I think the copywriter was intending to draw the reader into young Douglas's plight and pluck. Sweet jiminy! Is that how it worked back then!? Today, American 7 year olds sure aren't worrying about qualities of Perseverance or Work Ethic. Gawd love'em, but my kids think the attic is for Christmas decorations, not "being bound out."

No, little Douglas was Enterprise personafied. In a "shadowy attic" no less! We all know that great things start in Shadowy Attics by "bound out" grade schoolers. Right now, I'm looking at my Florsheims and wondering what Mr. Florsheim did to earn HIS cred. Maybe he killed cows for their hides with a hammer. At age 4.

Oh well. That was 1943. Things were different. Back then, any self-respecting toddler had a job, you got your vitamins from eating grass, your minerals from sucking on nails. Today? If little Douglas was forced to be whacking shoes in an attic, his uncle would be in jail and his aunt would be on Oprah.

Crazy.

Anyway, Googled® the key words: "child labor shoes" and found this pic. Looks like the next Nike or Rockport might be hard at work in India.

OMG! (slaps forehead). And they're taking American jobs, too! I'm gonna march right home now, rip the Wii controllers out of their chubby little fingers and lock'em in the attic - "Daddy needs new shoes!"